


Stages of Grief

by Skylark62



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: M/M, Soul Bond, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-18 23:01:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 29,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29865378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skylark62/pseuds/Skylark62
Summary: Sonny is shadowing Rafael when they end up in the middle of a shoot-out. It changes their lives and relationship, but it's not an easy process, especially for Sonny.This is a soulmate story, based on the premise that there are soulmate markers in the blood that can cause a soulmate bond through the sharing of unfiltered blood.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 65
Kudos: 52





	1. The Shooting

**Author's Note:**

> This is loosely based on the different stages of grief that models (mainly the 5 stages of grief and the other models of grief theory, and the chapters are named (mainly) after variations on those. 
> 
> This is finished and as in all of my fics, results in a happy ending for them both. I plan to post every day, so you can read in confidence that you won't be left hanging. Enjoy!

Sonny was tired and looking forward to getting home. It had been a good week, with him shadowing Barba as the squad workload was relatively low for once. He was learning a lot, but his brain was aching from trying to dredge up memories of his degree to answer the taxing questions Barba kept posing him. He knew it was great experience, but he just wanted a break, and a mind-numbing evening in front of the TV with a few beers. This was the last call of the day, thank goodness.

He drove them to the Jackson Medical Centre where they were meeting Dr Simons. He had treated a teenager who had been taken for medical attention following a botched abortion, and the girl had confided in him that the man with her wasn’t her father, but her owner. The doctor had gotten as much info as he could from her while he examined her, as he had been able to insist her ‘father’ wait outside due to the sensitive nature of the examination, and had reported it to SVU as soon as he could. They had found the man and were prosecuting, but needed the doctor’s testimony for trial. He was reluctant, so Barba had decided they should go around to convince him how necessary it was.

They rang the doorbell and were let in by a receptionist who was on her way out. She told them Dr Simons was just finishing up and would be right out. Sonny wandered round the waiting room, noting the posters on the wall advertising birth control as well as a woman’s right to choose. This was one of the few clinics in the area where it was possible to get an abortion, and Sonny noted the bars across the door and the screen between the receptionist and the waiting room.

He saw an older man with a frown on his face appear from one of the rooms off the waiting room, and Barba immediately got up from where he had been sat in one of the chairs and approached the doctor.

“Dr Simons?” He asked, and at the man’s nod he continued. “I’m ADA Rafael Barba, and this is Detective Carisi from SVU. I wanted to speak to you about your concerns over testifying.”

The man walked close to them and sighed heavily.

“I’m just not sure I want to bring even more attention to this medical center. We get enough threats as it is, and they escalated when this case was reported in the paper. If women don’t feel safe coming here, we will have even more problems with them approaching us for the prompt care they need, whether it is for an abortion, birth control or other gynecological issues. Testifying will make things worse.”

“I understand that, but Sharla needs someone on her side to testify as to what happened to her. You are the only one who can say that she had a botched abortion. Without it, it’s her word against his, and the jury are more likely to believe her story with your support. She needs your help, and so do we, to get this bastard put away for a long time.”

Just then, there was a crash and the front window to the clinic shattered, with all three men being showered with shards of glass. Sonny could hear the automatic gunfire and started to drop to the floor, but not before he felt a stabbing pain through his thigh. He felt the gush of blood as his leg gave way and his head hit a table on the way down. He lay where he landed and was trying to concentrate on breathing in and out without panicking, as the world around him went dark.

***

Rafael Barba crouched next to the doctor behind a row of chairs and pulled his phone out of his pocket, pressing 911 automatically to summon help. Suddenly the gunfire stopped and he heard the roar of an engine as a vehicle drove away, taking their attackers with it, he assumed. By the time the operator had asked him what the problem was, there was silence around him, and he was able to give details of where the clinic was.

“Ambulance too - we need medical assistance,” he heard called out by Dr Simons. He repeated that as he looked round, seeing Carisi on the floor and a spreading pool of blood underneath his thigh. His body went cold at the sight of the unconscious detective.

“I’m with a doctor, so I’ll ask him,” Rafael said to the 911 operator, then looked at Dr Simons.

“A bullet’s nicked his femoral artery. I’m applying pressure but he’s already lost a lot of blood,” the doctor said. and Rafael repeated what the doctor said into the cell. He heard the operator say that an ambulance was on its way and would be with them in 20 minutes, longer than usual because of traffic. He repeated that to the doctor.

Dr Simons frowned and shook his head.

“What”: Rafael asked, feeling his heart sink.

“That’s too long,” came the reply. “He’s losing a lot of blood.”

“Is there anything I can do?” He asked.

“I will need to stitch the artery if I can to buy time. Can you press here, hard like this, while I get some supplies from my room?”

Rafael shuffled forward on his knees and put his hands onto Carisi’s thigh where he was told, pressing his fingers deepening into the muscle until the doctor nodded his approval. Dr Simons checked there was minimal bleeding and then quickly left him as he ran to the back of the clinic. Rafael looked down at Carisi, never having seen him so silent or so pale. He dealt with the aftermath of violence every day in the courts, but that was clinical and neat. Not like this. The blood and the fear coursing through him were things he had only experienced once, when there was the shooting during Johnny D’s trial, and it was something he knew he never wanted to experience again. He thought of how alive the detective was, always gesturing with his hands and having a ready smile for everyone. Seeing him so still was not right.

He dragged his eyes away as he saw the doctor return, with a box of supplies. Dr Simons encouraged him to lift Carisi’s leg while still applying pressure, and pulled some tubing around it, tying it tightly, before pushing a pen between the leg and the tube and turning it half a dozen times. He told Rafael to slowly release pressure on the thigh, and when there was still some blood seeping out, he made another turn of the pen. He told Rafael to take the scissors from the box and cut off the pants leg which Rafael did with difficulty, and then he was instructed to tape the pen to the upper thigh, above the wound, using the surgical tape pointed out to him.

The doctor sat back. “That will stop the blood loss for now, but the tourniquet can’t be kept on too long or it will cause permanent damage. I need to try and do a temporary repair. Can you shine the light from your cell on the wound?”

Rafael turned on the flashlight on his cell with difficulty, seeing his finger slip across the screen. It was covered in blood. He wiped it off on his pants, uncaring for the stain. He wouldn’t be wearing this suit again anyway. He shone the light beam onto the bloody thigh, and saw the doctor extend the wound, blot away the blood and then take a needle and thread, then stitching deep into the flesh. After a few minutes he sat back and heaved a sigh of relief.

“I’ve not done any trauma surgery since my time in the army but that should hold until he gets to the hospital. He loosened the tourniquet a little, and Rafael held his breath until it became evident that the blood loss hadn’t increased.

: Now to check his blood pressure,” Dr Simons said. He wrapped a blood pressure cuff around the arm nearest to him and pressed the button on the machine, frowning when it displayed the reading.

“That’s way too low and his heart rate is too high. He’s in hypovolemic shock. We need to get his legs elevated to above his heart.”

Rafael dropped his cell and dragged a chair forward and helped the doctor lift Carisi’s legs onto the chair. In doing this, the detective’s body moved forward, and another patch of blood became visible underneath him.

“Shit, he’s got another wound,” Dr Simons exclaimed when he quickly pushed back the suit coat to look underneath. Rafael could see a patch of blood on his side, and as the doctor cut open the shirt, he saw a small round wound on his abdomen. The doctor felt underneath Carisi and heaved a sigh of relief.

“It’s a through and through, which is good, but I can’t tell what damage has been done, or how much he’s bleeding internally. There’s very little I can do. I can’t risk opening him up and he’s still losing blood. The blood loss alone is compromising his cardiac function, and soon his organs will shut down. I don’t think he’s going to make it unless that ambulance is here quicker than they said.”

Rafael ran his fingers distractedly through his hair, feeling them sticking as the blood still on his hands stuck to the hairs.

“There must be something you can do. Can’t you give him some blood?”

“We don’t have any here or other iv fluids. The only possible way would be a person to person direct transfusion, but that’s risky.”

“It’s got to be better than him dying!” Rafael exclaimed, willing to clutch at any straws that might give Carisi a better chance of surviving.

“Do you even know what blood type he is?”

“No, but he has it on an app on his cell. I’ll check.” Rafael reached into the wet jacket pocket and pulled out Carisi’s iPhone, and luckily knew the number to unlock it. He found the emergency app and passed the cell phone to the doctor, filling him in. “I know all the detectives have installed it and filled out the details. They insisted I did too.” He got out his own cell and found his own details and showed it as well to the doctor.

Dr Simons nodded as he looked at the cells. “You would be compatible to donate to him,” he said slowly, “but as I said it’s risky.”

Rafael was only half listening as he took off his suit coat and cuff links, rolling up the sleeve of his left arm. The doctor put a hand on his arm to get his attention.

“Blood donations are tested and treated before being given to patients. Otherwise there is a danger of not only infections being passed on, but also soulmate imprintation.”

Rafael stopped and looked up at the doctor. “What are the chances of that?” He asked.

The doctor shrugged. “It depends on lots of factors including the compatibility of the individuals and the amount of blood. It has been shown to be as high as 30%.”

Rafael nodded. “And what do you think his chances are of surviving without a donation from me?”

The doctor pressed the button on the blood pressure machine again and checked his watch, then waited for the results. The blood pressure was still falling.

“If the paramedics aren’t here within the next 10 minutes to give him fluids, I don’t think he’ll make it to hospital. They anticipated it would take longer than that to get here.”

“Do it. There are better odds of us not being imprinted and it’s got to be better than him dying.”

The doctor looked into his eyes and was obviously convinced of Rafael’s sincerity as he reached for supplies.

***

It was 20 minutes later before they heard sirens in the background and the police and paramedics arrived. All the time Rafael had been watching his blood flow out of the artery at his wrist and down the tubing to Carisi’s arm. It was slow, but working, as the detective’s blood pressure hadn’t fallen any more.

The paramedics managed to get Carisi onto a stretcher and Rafael stood up, getting into the ambulance for the ride to hospital. They were quickly off, with the sirens wailing all the way.

Rafael couldn’t take his eyes off Carisi. He was still unnaturally pale and still. At least they had gotten him this far. He was still feeling panic though and was pleading under his breath as he watched the monitor which was showing the detective’s stats; ‘Please make it to the hospital’.


	2. Shock & Disbelief

SHOCK

Sonny felt as if he was swimming through mud. Everything was dark and murky. He could hear voices and tried to follow the one calling his name. His eyes opened and he squinted as a bright light was shined in his eyes.

“Hello Detective Carisi. Glad to have you back with us. I’ll just do some tests and then fill you in on what happened to you.”

He swallowed, feeling a burning sensation down his throat and winced. A nurse immediately pressed an ice chip to his lips and the coldness slipped down his throat and soothed it. He could hear the doctor asking him to do things - move his toes and bend his leg, and he did as instructed, realizing he had a thick bandage around his right thigh, as well as one on the right side of his abdomen.

The doctor finished muttering something to the nurse and he sat down by the bed on a chair.

“You probably don’t remember much so I’ll tell you what has happened to you. You were in Jackson Medical Clinic when it was shot up with automatic gunfire. You were hit by two bullets - one to your abdomen which lacerated your liver, and one which nicked your femoral artery in your right thigh. We have repaired both. You also have a lump on your head where you hit it when you collapsed. There are no issues with that.”

Sonny tried to speak but his throat still felt scratchy. The nurse gave him more ice chips.

“We are expecting you to make a full recovery. You’re very lucky. If you hadn’t been with a doctor who did a temporary repair, or if he wasn’t able to keep up your blood pressure by giving you fluids, you wouldn’t have survived. You had lost a lot of blood.”

The doctor sighed. “There is potentially one complication. You were given blood via a person to person transfusion as it was the only option at the time. Those aren’t usually done as it is a difficult procedure to do, but also because of the risks of blood being passed on without being tested and filtered. You were compatible blood types and your donor has been tested and has no infections or any antibodies that could cause a reaction in you.”

Sonny was only hearing good news, but he had the feeling there was something bad coming. He was right.

“But there is one risk and there is no way of knowing if it is one that will affect the two of you. Before specialized filters became available that kept what we know as SM markers out of the blood, people who had a blood transfusion sometimes became soul bonded to their donors. In this case the only way to keep you alive was to give you whole blood, which means those markers were present in the blood you received. Only time will tell if you become soul bonded to your donor.”

He finally managed to speak. “Who was my donor?”

The doctor glanced down at the notes in his hand. “Rafael Barba.” The doctor waited, just watching Sonny, but he was still trying to process what had happened to him.

After a pause, where the doctor seemed to be waiting to see if he had any questions, he got up to leave.

“I’ll leave you to have a rest now. Your family will be back soon and I want you well rested before that. I’ll check on you later.”

Sonny closed his eyes after the doctor and nurse left, but he didn’t sleep. Instead he was thinking of the soulmate bond. He knew about 70% of people were born with the initials of the person they were going to soul bond to etched into the skin of their inner right wrist, whereas everyone else had theirs blank. He didn’t have initials on his wrist. . It didn’t mean he couldn’t find a partner in life, but did indicate one hadn’t been predetermined for him.

He didn’t know if Barba had a mark already. It was not something he tended to look for, apart from in women. If he saw a pretty woman, then yes, just as much as he would look for a wedding ring, he would look for a soul mark, knowing that if she had one, then it was likely she wouldn’t be interested in dating him. Plus, if there was a date attached to the soul mark, that indicated that she had met and bonded with her soulmate.

He had never considered a bond with a man. He was straight and had no interest in men from the point of view of a life or sexual partner. He couldn’t imagine being bonded to Barba. The whole idea was laughable. Except he wasn’t laughing. But it wasn’t likely to happen, he told himself determinedly, glancing at his wrist to be sure there wasn’t a mark developing there.

***

Rafael Barba had been sent home a few hours ago by Liv when she reached the hospital. He was still covered in Carisi’s blood and his family were on the way. They didn’t need to see their brother/son’s blood on someone, so she insisted he go home and have a shower.

He did as instructed. He was still feeling shaky from the events of the last few hours. The doctor at the hospital had quickly and efficiently stitched his artery up and bandaged it, giving him instructions on dressing changes etc. He would be left with a scar, but that was a small price to pay for saving Carisi’s life. He just hoped it was the only price he would pay.

He was far too wrapped up in work to have considered a serious relationship in the past, and so the fact he had no soul mark was fine with him. It had taken all his attention to get out of the Bario and into Harvard, and he had continued in the same vein, always putting in more hours than necessary, and gaining a reputation as a workaholic. It was pretty true too, but it worked and he had been successful in his career as a result. But his personal life was pretty much non-existent. Most of his friends were work contacts and his social events were networking ones. Yes he’d had lovers, both men and women, but in the last 20 years they had mainly been one night stands or quick affairs with men. No-one stayed with him as he always put work first. He didn’t even bother trying for more now.

He couldn’t see how a relationship would work between him and Carisi if they did soul bond. But he knew if that had happened, that for the younger man’s sake he would try to change his ways. Carisi deserved a good life with someone who would put him first. If the detective had the misfortune to get stuck with Rafael for the rest of his life, he would do his part to try to make sure they had a good relationship.

But the shooting had also driven home to him how short life could be and that any minute it could change irrevocably or end. It made him reassess if he really wanted to spend all his life at work. He was replaceable; if something happened to him another ADA would take his place. Did he really want to continue with nothing in his life but his work? Maybe he should make some changes to his life anyway, whether he soul bonded with Carisi or not.

He was interrupted from his musings when his cell rang. It was the nurse telling him that Carisi was awake and his initial tests had all been positive. She also told him that the results from his bloods were back and were all good too, with no signs of infection or abnormal counts that could indicate a problem. He was relieved. His health was another thing that tended to get forgotten unless there was an obvious problem. He was being nagged by Carmen for his yearly checkup which he still hadn’t booked.

He glanced at his wrist as he got up to refresh his drink. It was still blemish-free, as it always had been.

***

DISBELIEF

Rafael woke up and headed for the shower, checking for messages as he got ready for work. The hospital had promised to let him know if there were any changes with Carisi, and Liv had said the same. He had no messages. But as his bleary eyes struggled to focus, he thought he saw a smudge of a shadow on his right inside wrist. He ran the soap over it and told himself it was just his early morning imagination. He was never that awake before his first coffee. He deliberately didn’t check his wrist again as he drank his coffee, instead reading his emails, and as he got dressed for work, he fastened his cuffs without looking at the skin. He didn’t want to know. 

His morning was busy, not helped when Liv appeared with a request for a warrant. He said he would get to it after lunch when she told him there wasn’t any urgency. Her eyes lit up at the mention of lunch though, and before he knew it they were sat at a small deli across from his office.

“How are you feeling today Rafael? I know yesterday was hard on you.”

He took a sip of yet another coffee. “I’m doing better. I’m not used to so much violence, or blood. Seeing Carisi injured like that, nearly dying was awful. I’m glad he’s doing better.”

She smiled. “Yes he is. Bella contacted me this morning to say they hope to release him tomorrow. He’ll have to take it easy for a few weeks but will soon be on the mend. So what actually happened to him? I know he took 2 bullets and nearly died, but I didn’t hear the details.”

He took a shaky breath in. He really wasn’t sure he was feeling up to going over it again, but knew he would have to give his report to the police later, and was sure other people would ask too. He might as well get used to it. So he took another sip of coffee and filled Liv in.

“Oh my God. So he really did nearly die. It was so lucky that Dr Simons was able to stabilize him long enough for the paramedics to get there.”

“Yes it was.” Rafael found himself running his ringers over the bandage he had wrapped around his left wrist as a result of the transfusion. “We were fortunate not to be shot ourselves.”

Liv put a hand on his, stilling his nervous movements. “Did the doctors give any indication how likely it would be that the two of you are soul bonded as a result of the transfusion?”

He shook his head. “No. They don’t know. It depends on lots of factors. It’s just a case of wait and see if we develop the soul mark. That can take a few days.”

“It must be worrying, not knowing if this will permanently affect your life in this way,” she said in a quiet voice.

He nodded, not knowing what to say.

“I’m assuming you have no mark?” She asked. He hesitated but then shook his head.

She obviously had caught this, and frowned at him.

He looked away and when she didn’t say anything, found himself admitting he had thought he saw the start of a mark that morning, but hadn’t checked since.

“Don’t you think you should?”

He shook his head again.

“Why not? It’s not like you to bury your head in the sand Rafael. You usually tackle things head on.”

“Not this,” he muttered. He knew this wouldn’t be a good enough answer for her, but luckily their lunch arrived so he used it as an opportunity to change the subject.

He suspected he wouldn’t get away with this though and was right. Once they had finished eating, Liv grabbed his hand and turned it over. He sighed but didn’t stop her. He had taken his coat off so only had his shirt covering his wrist. She gently opened the cuff link and stopped, looking up at him.

He took in a deep breath and then pulled back his shirt sleeves until the inside of his wrist was visible. Now, more than a few hours ago, visible marks were forming. He wouldn’t be able to tell what they were if he didn’t already know, but the fact that there were marks made his heart sink. He quickly covered them up again and did up his cuff, putting his suit coat on too and quickly getting up from the seat.

“I’ve got to get back. A deposition this afternoon,” he muttered, fleeing without making eye contact with her. He knew she would want to talk about it, but he couldn’t. He needed to get his head around what this would mean first.

Once he got back to his office, he closed the door, thankful Carmen was still at lunch and he had no appointments for half an hour. He quickly went over to his bureau, pouring himself a small whiskey. He didn’t approve of drinking during the working day, but he needed this.

He slumped down on his couch as he tried to come to terms with the news. Carisi was his soulmate. He supposed he should start getting used to the idea of calling him Sonny. Really it could have been worse. Sonny was a great guy; intelligent, funny, good company and a great catch. Rafael had even had a few non-platonic thoughts about him, although he never would have done anything about them. Sonny may be attractive, but he was straight, and they worked together. He would never get involved with someone he worked with. Except now everything had changed.

He had never paid much attention to what happened when two soulmates met each other, as it didn’t apply to him. There were all sorts of romantic movies of course, but he didn’t waste time on those. He would have to do some research. But not now. Now he had to work, and put this out of his mind. Easier said than done though.

***

Sonny sighed heavily as he flipped channels on his TV. He really wasn’t that interested in watching anything right now. He was home alone, despite most of his family saying he shouldn’t be. But a few hours of them fussing over him was enough. He had shooed them out, promising he would call if he needed anything, and tried to come to terms with the shooting and potential consequences. He couldn’t believe his life had spun out of control so quickly. He was lucky. One second he’d been fine and the next he had two bullets in him and was dying.

He liked the ADA, and he had been a help for him with his law studies, asking him enough legal questions to always keep him on edge and looking up more president for their cases. He wouldn’t say they were friends. But he owed his life to Barba, would be dead if it were not for him, from what the doctor said. It was difficult to imagine the immaculate lawyer in his three piece suit covered in blood or allowing himself to be scarred in order to save him, but it sounds as if that had happened.

He shied away from thinking about the potential soul bond. That couldn’t happen. He was straight, so there was no way he could have a male soulmate. Anyway, it wasn’t a real soul bond if it was brought on artificially. Once he had recovered, life would go on as usual. He glanced at his wrist and was reassured to see nothing there.


	3. Denial

Liv went round to visit Sonny after he had been at home two days. She was pleased to see him pretty cheerful as usual, and doing well.

“So how are you really?” She asked. “I can understand you don’t want your family to smother you and need some alone time, but if you do need anything, do ask. Or if you need to talk. I know facing death so imminently can have a big impact. It did on me. Plus there is the soulmate situation, with you being given Rafael’s blood.”

He smiled. “I’m fine really Liv. Unlike you, I never really had to face death. One second I was fine and then I was out of it. I knew nothing about it until I woke up again. I think it would have been different if I had known what was happening to me, but there was no time for my life to flash before my eyes, or me to feel frightened at facing death. When I woke up, I was told I was going to make a full recovery, although with a few new scars.”

“And Rafael being your soulmate...” she murmured.

He laughed. “Don’t say it as if it’s a certainty. It’s been a couple of days, and I have no initials. I don’t think it’s something I need to worry about. Just as well. I mean, he’s a great guy, but could you imagine being in a relationship with him?” He pushed up his sweatshirt and showed her his bare wrist, which was just as unmarked as it had been before.

She frowned. “That’s strange,” she said. 

His smile faltered. “Why? The doctors said it could happen, not that it would. There is no mark and there would be by now.”

She took a sip from her drink, playing for time. He wasn’t deterred.

“What aren’t you telling me Liv?”

“I had lunch with Rafael a couple of days ago,” she said. “He had the start of marks appearing on his wrist then.” She met his eyes and saw worry before they cleared.

“No, that can’t be right. We would both have them and I don’t. So we’re not soulmates.” 

“Okay, if you say so Sonny.” She decided it would be best to change the subject. “So how long are we to be without you in the squad, did the doctor say?”

She could see relief in his eyes as he answered her question. He obviously wasn’t ready to accept the bond. She wondered why the marks hadn’t appeared for Sonny.

She got called back to work for a rape case, and it was the following day before she got chance to catch up with Rafael again. He was in his office, all business. She spotted a leather band which was tight around his wrist. That was definitely new, and no doubt due to the letters on the inside of his wrist. She had seen them for sale in the shops before and knew they were designed for that purpose. Not everyone wanted the initials of their soulmate to be on display.

She went through the details of the case with him, and then after their conversation was wrapped up, she hesitated, watching him for a moment. He eventually put down his pen and sighed, looking up at her.

“How are you?” She asked softly.

He leaned back in his chair. “I’m okay. Getting used to the idea of having a soulmate.”

“Are you sure he is?”

He frowned at her. “Positive,” he said, undoing the wrist band and showing her the very clear and dark letters now etched on his wrist - DCJ. “I don’t think there can be much doubt with that, do you?”

“I visited him yesterday,” she started tentatively. “He didn’t have any markings on his wrist.”

She could see the surprise on Rafael’s face, and then it cleared. “I’ve been researching. I saw online that a serious injury can delay the onset of the markings because the body is prioritizing healing the injury. That happened in many of the cases where a soulmate bond happened because of a blood transfusion. I’m sure sooner or later they will appear.”

“Have you seen him yet?” She asked.

He shook his head. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Just go round. The last time you saw him was in hospital unconscious. He’s home now and much more himself. You will need to start speaking soon after what’s happened and the longer you leave it, the more difficult it will be.”

He sighed. “Yes I know. I’ll go when I finish work. I need to apologize to him for this happening to him.”

Liv leaned forward to get his attention.

“No, you don’t. You saved his life. He would be dead now if it wasn’t for you. And the consequences you both have to live with. You could have just let him die and not taken the risk to yourself, so you don’t owe him an apology. It was a selfless act, and not something everyone would have done.”

He smiled faintly. “Not what you would have expected from me huh?”

She laughed. “You’re a kind man Rafael, despite the ‘don’t give a shit about anyone else’ act you put on sometimes. I knew that before now.”

“Not much gets past you does it?”

“No. Give it time. I’m sure you will be able to work things out with Sonny and this soulmate bond won’t be a bad thing. You’ve got on pretty well recently.”

He nodded. “Yes, but getting on at work and being soulmates are completely different things. He’s straight. I can’t imagine he’s taking to having a man as a soulmate well.”

“You’ll have to give him time to get used to the idea. At the moment without the markings, he doesn’t believe it is happening. I have told him you have them though. He will get through this. You both will. “

Rafael glared at her. “You really think so? It’s not so bad for me, but I’m sure Sonny being soul bonded to me will ruin his life. We will always have to be in close contact, depending on how the bond affects us, and intimate relationships with other people generally aren’t possible. Tell me how he’s meant to get over that!”

She covered his hand with one of hers and squeezed gently. “Give it time Rafael. There’s no way to know how the bond will affect either of you or how much it will impact your lives. Just give it time and try not to worry.”

He nodded, and sighed deeply but didn’t say anything further. She glanced at her cell when it beeped with a problem and made her excuses before leaving. She didn’t envy these men the changes they were having to go through, but was confident they could work it out. It might just take a while.

***

Rafael hesitated as he rang the doorbell and waited to be let in to Sonny’s apartment building. He heard the buzzer going and pushed the door open and headed inside and up in the elevator to the 5th floor. When he exited the lift he saw the door to one apartment open and the detective leaning against the door jam, arms crossed over his chest in a defensive position. Rafael’s heart sunk. He didn’t think this was going to go well.

Sonny walked back into his apartment with a limp and Rafael followed, sitting down on the couch facing Sonny when he sat in the opposite chair.

“How are you doing?” Rafael started.

“Improving.” Sonny replied. “I’ve got to take it easy for a few weeks, but then I should be back to normal, with just a few more scars to add to my collection.”

“Good. You do look better, although last time I saw you, you were being wheeled into surgery and unconscious, so that’s not hard.”

Sonny smiled tightly. “Thank you for saving my life,” he said stiffly. “The doctors said if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t have made it to the hospital in time.”

“Dr Simons did more than me. But you’re welcome. I couldn’t just let you bleed out without doing everything I could to help.”

He could see Sonny stiffen more as they got close to the subject of the blood transfusion. He got up and headed to his kitchen area and Rafael watched him.

“Do you want a drink? I can brew some coffee, or I’ve got whiskey.”

“A whiskey would be good thanks. It’s been a long day.”

Sonny brought back a whiskey glass for Rafael and a bottle of water for himself and explained, “I can’t have any alcohol while on the stronger painkillers.”

“So how is the case going? Have you spoken to Dr Simons? Will he testify?” Sonny was obviously trying to change the subject and keep it off the attack.

Rafael took a sip of his drink and then took off his suit coat as he answered. “The DA assigned it to another ADA as it’s possible the shooting is a result of the case. I left him with the police at the Medical Centre as I came to the hospital with you and haven’t spoken to him since.”

There was silence again. Rafael took another sip of his drink and saw Sonny’s gaze fixed on the leather band around his wrist. When he looked up and caught Rafael’s eyes, he immediately looked away though.

“Sonny, don’t you think we should talk about this?” Rafael said softly.

Sonny’s eyes immediately sprang to his again, even though his whole body stiffened.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” he spat out defensively. “I’m fine - see.” He raised his arm and showed his mark-free bare wrist to Rafael.

“That could be due to your injuries. I’ve been reading up on it.” Rafael slowly undid the leather band and let it fall away from his wrist. He held up his arm so the markings were visible to the younger man, who stared in shock at his initials.

“No. It’s not right. This can’t be happening. Maybe it’s just you.”

“Soulmate bonds don’t happen to only one person. If I’ve got the marks, you will develop them too. Your body is just concentrating on healing itself from your wounds right now.” 

Rafael watched the younger man fold in on himself and wrap his arms around his chest. “No. I don’t believe it. I’m straight. I can’t have a male soulmate.”

“I realize this is difficult for you, but we will get through it,” Rafael said gently. “We don’t know how the bond will affect us.”

Sonny shook his head. “No it’s impossible. It’s not happening.”

He waited for a minute to see if Sonny would calm down but soon realized that he wasn’t going to get anywhere. Sonny needed to develop the markings himself before he started to accept this was happening. Only then would they be able to work together to get through this. He finished his drink and put his wrist band on again, covering up the telltale markings, and then put his coat back on, and then standing up.

“I can see you need some time to process all this. You’ve been through a lot. Keep healing Sonny, and you know where I am. Just let me know when you are ready to talk.”

He glanced back when he got to the door, but Sonny hadn’t moved. He let himself out.

He leaned against the elevator wall as the ancient machine creaked its way down, and he felt depression coming over him. That had gone even worse than he had imagined. Sonny was in complete denial. He could tell this was going to take a long time. He would have to be patient.


	4. Pain & Guilt

Dr Simons had been happy to meet Rafael for coffee the next day. He had explained that another ADA had been given Sharla’s case, but he wanted to discuss what had happened after the shooting.

He was sat in the coffee shop when the doctor arrived, and he soon joined him with his drink.

“How are you doing?” Rafael asked.

Dr Simons smiled. “I’m okay. Still a bit shaken up. Although the Medical Centre had gotten threats for years, none of us really believed it would happen. Ironically the police don’t think it was from any of the pro-lifers, but a local gang.” He took a sip of his drink and looked over at Rafael.

“But how are you doing? You asked for this meeting so I’m guessing you’re struggling.”

Rafael nodded. “Yes. Not just what happened, but the results of it. He showed the doctor the markings on his wrist and saw the doctor’s face fall.

“I’m sorry. We knew it was a possibility when we did the transfusion, but I did hope it wouldn’t happen.”

“Yeah, me too. I’m getting used to the idea. I suppose it’s not so bad for me. I never expected to have a relationship or soulmate, so a younger attractive man is better than I could have gotten, and I have no issues with his gender. But Sonny isn’t accepting it. I don’t know what to do for the best.”

“Let me guess. He’s heterosexual and was always keen to get married and have a family.”

Rafael nodded. “I think so, although we aren’t so close that he’s ever discussed these things with me. He gets on great with children though and always has photos and stories of his nieces.”

“Usually intimacy outside the soulmate bond isn’t possible but in a few cases it has happened,” Dr Simons said. “It all depends on the bond you develop. There is one extreme where soulmates are able to live totally separate lives with nothing to indicate their match other than the initials on their wrist. But at the other end of the spectrum are soulmates who have to stay within close proximity to each other for many hours a day or get adverse effects such as gastrointestinal disturbances, migraines, and anxiety. Most pairings are somewhere in the middle. Only time will tell where your soul bond falls on the spectrum.”

Rafael nodded. His research had told him the same thing, but the uncertainty made things more difficult to deal with.

“He’ll need time and therapy. This will be a big shock to him and a huge change to his life. He’ll be going through grief for the loss of the life he expected to have.”

“Grief? No-one’s died.” Rafael was shocked to hear the doctor say this.

“No but grief is a process people go through not only with the death of someone close to them, but any major loss in life, from a divorce to losing a job. In his case, it will be the loss of the life he thought he would have. If you’ve spent all your life expecting to follow one path, knowing that will never now happen is a big loss. There are many theories and models of grief, with the Kübler-Ross 5 stages of grief one being the most widely known.”

“Denial; anger; bargaining; depression; acceptance,” Rafael said.

Dr Simons nodded. “That’s right. There are other models with 7 stages, but everyone has a different experience of grief. It’s a very personal process and not neat or linear.”

“Well Sonny is definitely going through denial at the moment. He doesn’t accept this is happening. What makes it more difficult is that he hasn’t developed the markings that indicate a soulmate bond. I read that can happen with severe injuries.”

Dr Simons sat back in his chair. “Yes it can. They will develop sooner or later though. Be patient with him. Therapy may help you too. Your life is going to change as a result of this as well. You may think you are lucky in having a younger, good-looking soulmate, but having one who isn’t accepting you won’t be easy. His anger could easily turn on you, as he may see this as being your fault.”

Rafael sipped his coffee. “It is my fault. He wouldn’t be going through this if it wasn’t for me.”

“No, he would be dead. It’s equally my fault. I could have refused to do the transfusion. I knew what might happen and wasn’t emotionally involved in the decision like you were. I still believe, knowing the outcome, that it was the right decision. It may help him if I can explain it, as a doctor. Plus I’d like to see him for myself after what happened.”

Rafael nodded. “That would be good I think. He doesn’t really know much about that night and it might help him realize why we made the decisions we did. He doesn’t really want to talk to me at the moment.”

Rafael got out his cell and sent the doctor Sonny’s contact details, and heard the corresponding ping on the other side of the table.

“So what’s happening with the Medical Centre,” Rafael asked, thinking they had spoken enough about his problems.

Dr Simons frowned. “It’s obviously closed at the moment. One of our benefactors has donated money towards new windows and there is a clean-up operation going on, but it will take a couple of weeks before we’re back up and running fully again. The sooner the better. We’re needed in the area.”

“Good. I’m glad you won’t be out of commission for too long.”

Dr Simons finished his drink and looked at his watch. “I have to go.”

Rafael nodded. “Thank you for coming. It’s helped me I think.”

The doctor smiled. “Good luck with your detective. I hope it all works out well in the end for you both.”

The two men shook hands before the doctor made his way out of the coffee shop, leaving Rafael behind to think over their conversation.

***

Sonny looked at his cell as it started ringing. It said unknown number so he hesitated before answering.

“Hello,”

“Hello Detective Carisi. This is Dr Simons, from the Jackson Medical Centre. I hope you don’t mind me ringing. I wanted to check up on you after the shooting.”

“Hi Dr Simons. I’m doing better thanks.”

“Would it be okay if I came round to see you? I like to check up on patients in person when I can.”

Sonny frowned. “Well yes, that would be all right. But I’m really not one of your patients.”

The doctor laughed. “It feels like you are, considering I was working on you for half an hour before the paramedics arrived. Last I saw of you was when I handed you over to them. I’d like to do a bit of follow up, just for my own peace of mind.”

“Of course. I appreciate what you did to save me. Do you know where I live?”

“Yes. I can be with you in about half an hour if that would be suitable?”

“That’s fine. I’ll be here.”

“See you soon.”

The doctor hung up and Sonny sighed. He was trying to forget what had happened, He didn’t need the doctor coming here to dredge things up again.

***

When the doctor arrived, Sonny let him in and gave him a drink before they settled in the lounge.

“So what did they say at the hospital?” Dr Simons asked.

“I had a laceration to my liver and they repaired my femoral artery too. They said I would have died if you hadn’t been there, so thank you for that.”

“You’re welcome. I’m glad it worked. It was pretty touch and go for a while there. Do you know what happened? Sometimes I find patients find it difficult to come to terms with a traumatic injury without knowing the details, and you were unconscious the whole time.”

Sonny shook his head. “I haven’t asked.”

“I can tell you if you like?”

Sonny thought for a minute as he sipped his coffee. He would like to know, and there was no way he was asking Barba. He nodded.

“I dived for the floor when the gunfire started and the windows to the clinic shattered. It felt like minutes but was probably only seconds before it stopped, and I heard an engine as the gang drove away. I could see Mr. Barba appeared uninjured, but you were unconscious, with a pool of blood under your thigh. I could tell the femoral artery was damaged by the amount of blood you were losing. I applied pressure immediately and then swapped with Mr. Barba while I went for supplies. I used a tourniquet next. Mr. Barba had rung 9-1-1 as soon as the shooting stopped so help was on the way quickly. But they said due to traffic it would probably be 20 minutes before they could get to us.”

“I stitched your femoral artery so I could loosen the tourniquet a little. I didn’t want your leg blood supply to be completely cut off or you could have ended up with permanent damage to it. Your blood pressure was low and your heart rate fast which signified you were going into hypovolemic shock due to blood loss. When that happens it’s only a matter of time before the heart and organs shut down. I knew you didn’t have long without fluids rapidly.”

Sonny took in a breath and tensed up. Dr Simons glanced at him before continuing.

“Your blood pressure was still dropping and that’s when we saw the abdominal wound. I couldn’t tell what damage the bullet had done, but I couldn’t open you up to investigate without you bleeding out. I discussed the situation with Mr. Barba. He was keen to try and save you. At the clinic we don’t keep any iv fluids so had very few options. You have an app with your blood type on your cell which Mr. Barba knew about and when I checked, I found you were compatible blood types and suggested a person to person direct transfusion. Although not without its risks, it was the only way to get blood into you quickly enough to save your life. Mr. Barba agreed so I set it up. Your blood pressure stayed low but stopped dropping, which kept you alive long enough for the paramedics to get to you. I don’t believe you would have survived without that blood.”

Dr Simons stopped talking and looked at Sonny, who felt a wave of anger come over him.

“You’ve been speaking to Barba haven’t you? He’s told you that we are soulmates as a result of that blood transfusion. But he’s wrong. I don’t have the markings. Look.” Sonny waved his wrist at the doctor who moved closer and took hold of the waving hand. He held it and Sonny could tell his pulse was being monitored by the fingers on his wrist. Considering how fast he could feel his heart beating, he knew the doctor would be able to tell how agitated he was.

“Yes I have met with him and seen his markings. You will develop them too in time. Your body right now is working hard to repair the traumatic injuries and only when you have recovered enough will you develop the marks. But they will come. There are no cases of the soulmate bond being one way. This is happening to you whether you accept it or not.”

“You knew this could happen didn’t you? Yet you went ahead and did it. I might have been okay without the blood. You work in a women’s clinic. What do you know about blood loss?” Sonny knew he was sounding slightly hysterical but the blood was pounding in his head and he felt out of control.

“Detective Carisi, I know this is not what you wanted, but you would have died that night without the blood. I was a medic in the army when I first qualified, and unfortunately have experience of men dying due to blood loss. I knew it was the only option to save you. It was another 20 minutes before the ambulance arrived so I am confident I made the right decision.” 

Sonny could feel his head getting light and the room swam in front of his eyes as he slumped back in his seat. He could hear the soothing murmur of the other man’s voice as he followed the instructions to take deep breaths in and out. Slowly the room came back into focus and he sat upright again.

“That’s better. You’re not strong enough yet to cope well with getting so upset. Try to stay calm.”

“You try staying calm when this has happened to you,” Sonny bit out.

“Anyone would react badly. You’re going through a loss. You will need help to process it, and I understand that without the markings yourself it’s difficult to believe this is really happening. Give it time.”

Sonny sighed, but nodded. 

Dr Simons continued. “But time on its own may not be enough. I really think therapy will help you. Let me give you the number of a friend of mine. He’s a great therapist and has experience with these things.”

Sonny sighed. The doctor was probably right. He knew he was struggling. He nodded. The doctor sat back and got a card out of his wallet. Sonny thought dejectedly that he probably had brought it deliberately with him, knowing Sonny wouldn’t be reacting well. He took the card and put it down on the coffee table, picking up his drink and finishing it.

“I’d better go. My wife is expecting me home soon,” Dr Simons smiled at Sonny. “You take care of yourself. I’m glad to see you are improving.”

Sonny snorted. “You’re glad to have me shouting at you? I’m sorry about that. I’m usually more in control of myself. I do appreciate you saving my life.”

Dr Simons laughed. “Considering last time I saw you you were unconscious and nearly dead, you being able to shout is a good thing. I know this is a difficult situation. You will get through this.”

“Thanks doc.” Sonny smiled at the man and saw him out.


	5. Anger

The next morning Sonny noticed a dark smudge on his inside wrist. He rubbed at it absently, thinking it was a pen mark, but then froze as he realized the truth. It was the start of soulmate initials. He glared at his wrist as his mind went into panic. Despite him being told the markings would come, he really hadn’t believed it and hoped it wasn’t true.

By evening though he could deny it no longer. The marks might be faint, but he could now read letters: RB. Luckily he had weaned himself off the stronger painkillers and could have a stiff drink. He avoided the whiskey he had and drank brandy instead. Whiskey reminded him too much of Barba, and he was the last person he wanted to think about. White hot rage went through him as he thought about what had happened to him. Why him? Why couldn’t those bullets have missed him or struck somewhere else so he didn’t need blood so urgently? He was a good person. What did he do to deserve this? He was angry at Barba, furious at the doctor and God. Why did this have to happen to him?

By morning the rage was still there, but he was determined to do something about it. He rang the number of the therapist on the card Dr Simons had left and made an appointment for later that day, as the doctor had a cancellation.

When he got to the doctor’s office he only had a short wait. He filled out the multiple forms given to him on a clipboard by the receptionist and then waited. A grey haired man soon opened the door to the office and called his name. Sonny reluctantly got to his feet. Despite him knowing rationally that he could do with help, it felt like a failure to need it.

“Hello. I’m Dr Julian Clarke, Detective Dominick Carisi. May I call you Dominick?”

Sonny followed the man in and sat at the table facing the desk. “Everyone calls me Sonny,” he said.

“Sonny. Good. What can I do for you?”

Sonny sighed, “I was given your card by Dr Simons from the Jackson Medical Centre. He suggested it would be good for me to get help. I don’t know if you are aware, but it was shot up last week. I was injured as a result.”

Dr Clarke frowned. “Yes, I saw that in the paper. Terrible news. That place does so much good. So what happened to you?”

“Bullets nicked my femoral artery and liver. Dr Simons saved my life by stopping me bleeding out before the ambulance arrived. I’ve been told I nearly died.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. How are you doing now?”

“My injuries are improving. I’m expected to make a full recovery.”

“Good. May I assume you are here because of psychological effects due to this incident?”

Sonny shrugged. “In a way. Apparently my blood loss was pretty severe, and the only way I survived was because I received a person to person blood transfusion. As a result of that I appear to have become soulmates with my donor.”

“Ahh, that is always a potential consequence of direct blood transfusions. I remember before the filters were available that used to happen occasionally, although now of course blood transfusions are free from that problem. So tell me more. Do you know your donor?”

“Yes. I work with him. He’s an ADA - Rafael Barba. We were there to discuss a case with Dr Simons when the shooting happened.”

“How do you feel about him being your soulmate?” The doctor asked.

“Furious. How could this happen? I wasn’t born with markings but many people aren’t. I had my life planned. A wife and children, a family. Being stuck with a man is not what I want. I hate the idea. How could God do this to me? What did I do wrong to deserve this?” Sonny could hear his voice getting louder with every sentence out of his mouth but felt powerless to control it.

“I understand that you feel angry and out of control. That is natural given the circumstances. Are you a religious man?”

Sonny nodded. “I’m catholic. I go to church every week and God is important to me. Despite what I’ve seen in my job, I’ve never lost my faith, but now…” He trailed off, not quite sure how to express himself without being blasphemous.

Dr Clarke nodded. “You feel that God has let you down by allowing this to happen to you.”

Sonny nodded.

“I bet you’ve seen some nasty things as a detective. Which area do you work in?”

“Special Victims Unit.”

“So you see a lot of abused women and children. Do you believe they deserve what happened to them?”

“No of course not.”

“But God allowed it to happen. Don’t think that you did something wrong to deserve this. Bad things happen to good people all the time. This is just a quirk of fate, a challenge for you to overcome. Maybe God is teaching you something about yourself.”

Sonny looked down at his hands and consciously relaxed the fists they were clutched into. “I’ll try to see it that way.”

“You are grieving for the loss of what you expected your life to be. For the loss of the wife and children and ‘normal’ life you anticipated. But you can get through this, and I can help you. Are you willing to work with me Sonny?”

Sonny swallowed hard. He didn’t want to get through this, he wanted to wake up from this bad dream and go back to life as it had been before. but he knew that wasn’t going to happen.

“Yes.”

***

Even with the passage of time, Sonny’s anger wasn’t going away, although he was getting better at controlling it. He was back at work, although on desk duty only, which didn’t please him, but he knew he needed more time to heal before he was back on the streets. At least work gave him something else to think about and took his mind off the disaster his life had become. No-one other than Liv knew about his change in soulmate status. He had persuaded his older niece to braid him a bracelet which he had taken to wearing all the time, and that covered up the very obvious letters on his wrist. He had encountered Barba at work but was doing his best to avoid him, and Liv seemed to be helping him in this endeavor. When they did meet, they were both strictly business which helped.

Then a case came up that hit rather too close to home.

A man had been abusing his wife and kept her locked up in their home, and Liv knew that the suspect would react better to a man interviewing him. Sonny was sent in as the ‘good cop’ to be understanding while Amanda was the ‘bad cop’ to provoke him. This was working, and then the man lost his temper, claiming it was his wife’s own fault for trying to leave. She was his soulmate so she had to stay with him, and he was entitled to do whatever he wanted to keep her with him.

Sonny lost his cool and shouted angrily at the man, saying soulmate status didn’t give anyone the right to abuse someone or treat them like property. Everyone had free will to determine their future and reject the soulmate bond if that was their choice. He had to be pulled out of the room by Liv. To make things worse, Barba was there watching the interview. He never said a word but he didn’t have to. Sonny couldn’t look at him.

He accepted the dressing down by Liv, who told him to go and cool off. He went out of the station and sat on the steps just outside the door, not wanting to get wet as it was raining. He knew he had over-reacted but his anger had gotten the better of him. He closed his eyes and took deep breaths in an effort to calm down.

Some time later, he opened his eyes as he became aware of someone sat next to him. It was Barba.

“Are you okay?” The ADA asked.

Sonny ran his hand distractedly through his hair and nodded. “He just made me so angry. I seem to feel angry all the time now. I hate not being in control of myself.”

“I bet. I’m sure it will get better in time.”

Sonny felt the spark of anger return. “Oh yeah? What do you know about it? You’ve no idea what I’m going through so don’t give me platitudes.”

“You’re coming to terms with a complete change to your life, as a result of a soulmate bond you never expected to someone you never thought about that way. Your future has changed and you are struggling to accept it. Don’t tell me I know nothing about it Sonny because I do. I’m going through the same process as you.”

Sonny could hear the anger coming through in Barba’s voice too. It fanned the flames of his own.

“Did you ever see yourself as married with kids? Did you ever even want that for your life? Well I did, and now you’ve ruined it. Instead of being able to look forward to a good future I’m stuck with a bond to you, a grumpy, arrogant workaholic, and a man. I don’t want you. I want the future I planned and now it’s gone.”

Sonny felt his anger die away as he saw the look of pain that crossed Barba’s face, before the older man took a deep breath in and quickly got up, picking up his briefcase and walking down the steps away from the precinct, not bothering about the rain pouring down on him.

“Shit,” Sonny said dejectedly. That had gone so badly wrong.

He got up and headed into the precinct after Barba was out of sight. He might as well face the rest of the squad.

“What the hell Carisi?” He got from Rollins as he walked back to his desk.

“Save it. I’ve already heard it from Lieu,” he replied.

“You can’t just go off on one like that and not explain why,” she argued.

“Yes I can. It’s none of your business.” He opened up his email and pretended to be engrossed in reading the screen.

“I thought we were friends Sonny,” she said quietly. “I know you’ve had a hard time since the shooting, but I want to help if I can. When you are ready to talk about it, I’m here.” She walked away and he felt his eyes prickling. He was surrounded by people who wanted to help him and he was just upsetting everyone. He hated this.

***

Rafael had been having his own counselling sessions. His therapist, Jolene DuPont, was someone he had seen a few times in the past, and had supported him through the grief and guilt when his grandmother had died. He thought she was helping him, and making his transitions through the process of coming to terms with these changes easier.

He told her what had happened when he had spoken to Sonny after his blow-up during the interview. It felt good to have someone to talk to about it.

“Rafael, you did nothing wrong. He’s obviously still very angry, and not ready to speak to you about it yet. A wild or frightened animal will lash out when cornered, and Sonny’s reacting the same way to the threat that he sees you as.”

“I’ve never seen him lose his temper before. He’s usually so gentle and calm, and always has a kind word to say to everyone. Hearing what he thinks of me is hard.”

“It’s not what he thinks of you. It’s what his mind told him to say to hurt you, to get you to back off of him. And it worked. You walked away.”

“But what he said was true, even if he wouldn’t usually say so. I am grumpy and arrogant and a workaholic. I know he doesn’t want me and this is my fault. None of that is a lie.”

“Which of those things bothers you most?”

Rafael swallowed hard. “That he doesn’t want me. I mean, of course I know he doesn’t. He’s straight and I am a man. Of course he doesn’t want to be intimate with me. But it’s still hard to be rejected by your soulmate. I know at the moment the only sign we are soulmates is the markings, but that will change. I worry about what will happen to us when the soulmate effects kick in.”

“Don’t look for trouble there yet. It can take weeks for those to start to be felt. You don’t know what will happen as the signs vary between partnerships. There is no way to know what changes you will need to make to your lives yet. I am guessing since it took a while for Sonny’s markings to appear, it will take longer than usual for any adverse effects to start in for him. Have you noticed anything yet?”

Rafael shook his head. “Not yet no, but I get headaches and heartburn regularly anyway as a result of the stress of work, so it may be difficult to tell.”

“The good news is that in couples where they need to be in close proximity, the attraction is usually pretty strong between them, and the relationship between them matches the soulmate requirements. No-one knows which is the causal factor - the soulmate bond or the attraction - but they go hand in hand. Plus any adverse effects are reduced by completing the bond.”

Rafael snorted. “Completing the bond, through sexual intercourse? We are so far from being able to do that. We can’t have a conversation at the moment without him flying off the handle. Plus he’s a straight man. I can’t see it ever happening.”

“If the bond requires intimacy then he will start to be attracted to you. His anger won’t last forever, and you don’t know what the future holds. At the moment he’s attacking you out of fear and loss of control of his life. Be patient with him. This is a huge change. I know it’s difficult for you too, but you are doing well. Remember that when it seems tough and try not to take his comments personally.”

He sighed. “I’ll try.”


	6. Bargaining

Sonny clutched his rosary in his hand tighter as he felt his leg muscles cramp up. He had been praying for an hour now and his still recovering thigh was complaining. He reluctantly got to his feet, having to steady himself on the pew in front as he got to his feet and his right leg gave way slightly.

He saw the priest walk towards him with a smile on his face.

“We’ve seen you here a lot recently, Sonny. Is there anything I can help you with?”

Sonny shook his head. “I’m fine father, but thank you.”

The priest wasn’t put off. He sat down, blocking the way for Sonny to get out of the pew to the central aisle, so he sat down again. He couldn’t be rude to the priest.

“When a parishioner starts attending mass three times a week and also comes here every day to pray for an hour, that is a sign they are struggling with something. I know how busy you get with work Sonny so I can only imagine this is a difficult problem if you are devoting this amount of time to God. Maybe I could help if you told me about it.”

He sighed, but couldn’t deny there was a problem. He told the priest about his injury and the soulmate match that had been caused.

“What are you hoping God will do?”

“Take it away?” Sonny said ruefully, knowing how unlikely it sounded. But God could perform miracles, and maybe if Sonny was devout enough, and spent enough time in prayer, he would be lucky and this match reversed.

The priest smiled. “I don’t think that’s possible. I know I am a man of God, not of science, but I have never known a soulmate match dissolve through the power of the lord. Maybe you should be asking what it is that God is hoping you will learn through this match. Everything happens for a reason. What do you know of your match?”

“We work together. He’s the ADA for SVU.” Sonny emphasized the he, so the priest picked up on the gender of his soulmate.

“Ahh. You are concerned about being soulmates with a man.”

Sonny nodded.

“You know the church changed its views years ago concerning homosexuality when more became known about the same pairing soul matches. Love between soulmates can never be wrong.”

“Love? We work together. I wouldn’t even call us friends. And I’m straight, father. I don’t like men that way.”

The priest nodded. “Maybe you should get to know your soulmate better outside work. Become friends. Because you are soulmates for life, and whether you bond or not, you will need to deal with each other ongoing, and work out the best way for your relationship and lives to run to meet the needs of the soulmate match.”

Sonny was quiet for a minute as he put his rosary in the inner pocket of his coat.

“The last time I saw him I said some nasty things to hurt him. It wasn’t fair of me, I know, but my anger got away with me.”

“So you need to apologize to him and find a way to improve your relationship. Build love between you, even if it is platonic love. Diminishing hurt and increasing love is the way of the Lord. So is acceptance of the burdens God has chosen to bestow on us. Maybe those are the lessons that have been sent to you to learn through this experience.”

“Couldn’t God have found an easier way?” Sonny said, only half joking.

The priest laughed. “It is not our place to question, just accept and learn. But God works in mysterious ways. It could be that there are blessings to this situation you are unable to see yet.”

Sonny smiled and got up.

‘Thank you father. I’ll think about what you have said.”

***

That afternoon, Rafael was surprised to receive a text from Sonny, inviting him for a drink at Forlini’s. “I think we need to talk,” it said.

He made sure to leave on time and got to the bar and ordered a drink before looking round. He saw Sonny not at the bar in his usual seat, but in a booth. He decided it was a good idea to not be overheard as they talked, so took a sip of his whiskey for courage before heading over to speak to his soulmate.

“Hi Sonny. How are you doing?”

“Good thanks. Finally been let away from my desk as I got medical clearance for full duty.”

“That’s great news,” Rafael said, waiting for the small talk to be over. He watched Sonny take a swig out of his beer bottle before speaking again.

“I wanted to apologize to you. I’m sorry for what I said the other week. It wasn’t fair or true. I just had trouble with my anger then.”

“That’s okay. I know you’ve been having a hard time with this.”

“How about you? How are you coping with it?”

Rafael shrugged. “I never really expected to have much of a personal life as my work has been so important to me. Plus I’m gay so having a man as a soulmate isn’t an issue for me. I imagine it’s much more difficult for you to accept. I’m seeing a therapist and we’re working through it.”

He saw the look of surprise on Sonny’s face.

“What? You thought I wouldn’t have feelings I needed help dealing with?”

Sonny smiled. “I didn’t think about it, to be honest. But I can’t imagine you ever admitting you needed therapy.”

He chuckled. “I’m not as hard and unfeeling as I make out at work. It’s a great shield as ADA to appear unaffected by the cases and life, and stops people underestimating me, but it’s not the real me. If I was that unfeeling, I would have let you die that night, rather than risk any change to my own life.”

He saw Sonny nod.

“So you’ve got through the anger stage now have you? I bet Liv is relieved.”

He saw Sonny look confused so explained the five stages of grief that Dr Simons had told him Sonny would probably go through. The younger man laughed.

“Yep. Made my way through bargaining too. I’ve spent more hours in church over the last month than I have in the last 10 years. The priest called me on it this morning, pointing out that God wasn’t going to take away the soulmate match if I spent enough hours on my knees.”

“I can’t say I agree with that much about the church, but I do think he’s right. We’re both stuck with this whether we like it or not.” He hesitated, eyeing the braided band around Sonny’s wrist. “So I assume the markings appeared since you’ve started wearing that.”

Sonny looked at him and nodded before pushing back the band and turning his hand over. Rafael looked at the distinct letters RB on Sonny’s wrist.

“I’m sorry this happened to you Sonny. I know it wasn’t what you planned for your life.”

“No it wasn’t. But life is what happens while you are busy making other plans. We just have to live with the consequences.” Rafael was silent, seeing something still on Sonny’s mind, and waiting until he got it out.

“Can I ask you... I’ve noticed you’ve started calling me Sonny. Why?”

Rafael leaned back and took a sip of his drink. “It seemed appropriate. At work you’ll stay Carisi, but considering we are now soulmates, I think first names are more fitting. So if you ever feel like calling me Rafael when we’re not at work, that’s fine by me.” What he didn’t say was that he wanted Sonny to call him Rafael. As he had gotten used to the idea of them being soulmates, he found himself wanting a closer relationship with the younger man.

“Okay, Rafael,” Sonny said, stumbling over the name. “I think that’s going to take a while before it feels natural.” Rafael found himself smiling.

“I’ve not noticed any effects from the match yet, have you?” Rafael asked. He watched Sonny shake his head.

“My research tells me that there is no way of knowing how intense the bond will be between us or what accommodations we will need to make to keep it stable, but I’m prepared to do whatever is necessary. Just keep in touch and let me know if you are having problems.”

“Will do.” Sonny was silent, and then continued in a rush. “The priest said it would be good if we could get to know each other outside work, become friends, as we are almost certain to have to be in each other’s lives from now on.”

“He’s right. I think tonight is a good start. Maybe we should have dinner once or twice a week, and see how we get on with that?”

“Yeah, that sounds good to me.”

Rafael smiled at Sonny and felt a surge of relief well up in him. It looked like things were improving.


	7. Depression

Sonny moped in the corner of the garden, swigging his beer and trying to avoid the gaze of his more boisterous relatives. The Memorial Day barbecue his parents held every year was usually lots of fun, but he just wasn’t feeling it this year. In the past old friends had dropped by and the single women from the local church congregation that his parents had invited had flirted with him, but this year that had stopped. He hadn’t told his friends he would be there, not wanting to have to explain what had happened, and not feeling in the mood for being sociable.

He had been forced to tell his family about the soulmate match and as a result they had stopped trying to set him up with single women. When he asked why, they said that no woman would consider a relationship with a man who had a male soulmate, even if he wasn’t with him. He couldn’t deny the truth of that, although it depressed him. He was going to be celibate for the rest of his life.

In the last month he had been spending time with Rafael outside work, and had finally got used to thinking of the ADA by his first name instead of Barba. But although they were getting on well and his extremes of emotions had subsided, he was still struggling to accept the soulmate match. He had given up seeing old mates - they didn’t understand what he’d been through and he didn’t want to go through it with them - and going out to bars to flirt with women was pointless. So he sat at home when not at work and let his unseeing eyes rest on the flickering pictures of the TV screen while he drank to forget. He couldn’t tell you what he watched, it was just to pass time.

Food was a necessity, not a joy to cook, and he tended to exist on takeout when he could be bothered to eat. Sleep was restless too, with him being awake in the early hours most nights, and the bags under his eyes were beginning to feel permanent.

Rationally, he knew he was depressed, but couldn’t seem to care. What was the point anyway? His therapist had called him up when he cancelled his last two appointments and insisted he come in. He filled in the questionnaire he was given and managed to reassure the therapist that he wasn’t going to harm himself, but had nothing much to say.

Dr Clarke was worried, he could see that, but he wasn’t that bothered about getting better. His life was set now, so there was no point in trying to change things. He didn’t refuse when the doctor offered him medication though and took away the papers he gave him about how to change his thought processes to overcome depression. He promised he would take the tablets and work through the exercises, but only because he was told he would have to stop working if he continued to be as depressed as he was. He didn’t want the doctor calling Liv or putting him on medical leave.

So he took the medication and read the literature, and even tried at the exercises. Dr Clarke had seemed happier at the next session, and Sonny admitted he was sleeping better, as the medication helped with that.

He was brought out of his introspection by his dad.

“How are you doing, son?” He asked.

“I’m fine. Great party as always,” he said with a false smile on his face.

His dad shook his head. “No you’re not fine Sonny. I can see that. I remember after my heart attack I had trouble coming to terms with what had happened to me. I think you’re going through the same things I did, after you got shot. Plus you have this soulmate issue to deal with.”

Sonny sighed. He couldn’t deny it. “I am depressed Dad, and yeah, it’s due to what has happened to me, but I’m seeing a therapist and that’s helping.”

“Good, good. You know we are all here for you son, and all love you. Anything we can do to help we will do.”

“I know dad. I love you too.” Sonny turned and gave his dad a hug. It felt good to be close to someone. He had never felt so alone as in the last few months.

***

At first Sonny thought it was a side effect of the antidepressant he was taking, why he had a near constant headache, and heartburn. But he had been taking the drug before these symptoms started, so the therapist thought not. Instead he suggested Sonny keep a diary of when he was experiencing them to see if they could identify a pattern. It didn’t take long before it became obvious that the only days he didn’t have them were the days he saw Rafael. His heart sank. They were effects due to the soulmate match. He had to tell Rafael.

That week they met up at Sonny’s apartment for a meal. Now he was feeling a bit better in himself, he had started cooking again, and had invited Rafael round. After they finished the lasagna, Sonny mentioned the headaches and heartburn.

“Yes, I’ve been getting them too. I spotted it a month ago, and have found myself compensating.”

Sonny wasn’t sure what he meant so asked.

“I came over to the station for a coffee early before court last week on Wednesday.”

Sonny nodded. He had chatted to Rafael for about 20 minutes before he had to leave for court.

“I had no work reason to be there. But I knew I needed to be on top form to deal with Buchanan and seeing you before court would mean the headache would go away.”

Sonny sighed. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

Rafael sipped his post-dinner coffee before replying.

“I wasn’t sure you were ready to hear that effects of the match were kicking in. You’ve been really depressed recently and I didn’t want to do anything to set you back. But now it’s out in the open, maybe we could try seeing each other briefly every day, maybe for morning coffee, and see how that improves things?”

“Yeah, that would work. We’ll co-ordinate diaries so we can sort out where and when.”

Sonny finished loading the pots into the dishwasher and turned it on as he thought about their conversation.

“You’re probably right. A month ago I wouldn’t have been ready to hear about the effects, but I don’t want you having problems and not telling me. We’re in this together.”

“So you seem better, not as depressed as you were.”

Sonny smiled ironically. “Yep, I’m passing through this stage too.” He saw the smile from Rafael and then continued, more seriously. “I’m taking antidepressants and my therapist has me doing CBT exercises. They are helping.”

“Yeah, I’ve had the same stuff from my therapist. I didn’t get as down as you did, but I could tell it was affecting my work so I got some pills.”

Sonny looked startled. “I never realized you were depressed too.” He had been so caught up in his own problems that he hadn’t noticed what was going on around him.

“I went through anger too. I’m not sure many people noticed as I am not the most even tempered person normally. Anyway I’ve had plenty of practice covering up my feelings. Usually if I don’t want someone to know what I’m going through, I can hide it well enough. As I said, I didn’t think you were in a strong enough place to cope with my issues as well as your own.”

“Maybe not, but it sometimes feels as if you are sailing through this without it affecting you. It would be helpful to see you’re struggling with it too. Might make me feel less pathetic.”

“Sonny, you’re not pathetic and neither is the difficulty you’re having with this. True, I’m probably coping better with it, but I only had the idea of a soul bond to deal with, not a traumatic injury, or being soul matched to a grumpy, arrogant workaholic of the wrong gender.”

Sonny felt ashamed as the words he had thrown at Rafael in anger were repeated back to him. He knew he might have been forgiven but his words weren’t forgotten.

“You’re not grumpy or arrogant. I never should have said that.” Rafael looked disbelieving at him.

“Okay you can be grumpy at work, and you are confident, rather than arrogant, but there is nothing wrong with that. Outside work you’re a good guy, and generally nice to be around and agreeable. It’s quite a shock really.”

Rafael laughed, and Sonny could see a sparkle as the laughter reached his eyes, making them a lovely shade of jade. He felt a jolt of attraction go through him, and immediately panicked. He turned around quickly and excused himself, going to the bathroom and splashing his face with cold water. It must be the wine they had drunk he told himself, and finally them getting along well. He wasn’t attracted to men, not even his soulmate.

He had nearly convinced himself by the time he felt ready to leave the bathroom.

“What’s the matter Sonny?” Rafael immediately asked him.

“Nothing, I’m fine,” he quickly replied, not making eye contact with the older man.

“Stop lying to me. Didn’t we just agree that we need to be honest and not try to hide what we’re going through from each other?”

Sonny nodded, miserably, but kept his gaze on the view outside his apartment. It was only the next apartment block he could see, but he didn’t care about that. He was just avoiding Rafael. The man was too perceptive.

“I felt it too,” he heard Rafael say in a very quiet voice. “You know it can be a soulmate effect.”

“Maybe if we keep away from each other?” Sonny started.

“That’s not how it works. Our headaches get worse if we’re apart and are only relieved by us being close to each other. This will be the same.”

Sonny wrapped his arms around himself. He wasn’t ready to deal with this. He stood there frozen and rigid, waiting for Rafael to do or say something.

“It’s okay. I’ll leave. I know you need some time to get used to this. Thanks for the meal. I’ll see myself out and see you at work tomorrow. I’ve got a meeting with Rita and she gives me enough heartburn without the match adding to it. Sleep well Sonny.”

He heard the sounds of Rafael walking away and picking up his coat, but never turned around until he heard his front door shut. Then he took a shaky breath. He definitely wasn’t ready to deal with this new development.


	8. Attraction

His headaches were going away, Rafael was pleased to note, and so was his heartburn. But the attraction wasn’t. He knew on his side it was increasing rather than diminishing, although it was less easy to tell with Sonny. He had noticed that Sonny tended to blush a bit around him and after their time together each morning his eyes were dilated. He had also spotted that the detective’s nice new suit pants which were well fitted around the groin were tighter after his visits, although he was discreet in checking that out.

But they weren’t discussing it. He had been wracking his brains to think of how to approach the subject again with Sonny, but hadn’t had much luck. In the end he decided to be direct.

They had been eating dinner at Rafael’s apartment and he had brought back food from one of his favorite restaurants to eat. Much of the time now they met in public, and he was sure Sonny was avoiding being alone with him where they could discuss anything personal, so he was determined not to let this opportunity go by.

“Have you noticed any other soulmate effects, or is it just the three?” He asked Sonny.

“Three?” Sonny asked, looking a bit startled.

“Headaches, heartburn and sexual attraction - you know, the one you don’t want to admit to feeling.”

Rafael knew he was being a bit blunt, but decided the gloves needed to come off. Sonny would continue to avoid the subject if he could, but Rafael needed it out in the open between them.

Sonny colored and swigged back the last of his wine before reaching over the table for the bottle and refilling his glass.

“No other effects, and I really don’t think we need to discuss this,” he said stiffly.

“Yes we do. Avoiding the subject isn’t going to make it go away.”

Sonny glared at him. “And what will make it go away?”

“Nothing.”

“So why discuss it.”

“Because it’s affecting us both and we need to figure out what to do about it.”

“There’s nothing we can do about it, you’ve just agreed that.”

Rafael softened his tone. “We can’t make it stop completely, no, but we can reduce the effects it has on us by completing the bond.”

Sonny’s mouth dropped open. “You can’t be serious? Completing the bond as in sexual intercourse?”

Rafael rolled his eyes. “Yes, I believe that’s the only way.”

Sonny shook his head. “No way... I mean I’ve never even thought about... I couldn’t do that.”

Rafael sipped his wine and considered Sonny seriously.

“What about it bothers you the most? Is it just the idea of having sex with a man, or the physical side - chest hair and a dick instead of breasts and soft curves, or the act of anal sex itself?”

Sonny got up and started pacing, and Rafael watched him make three circuits of his living room before interrupting him by standing in his way.

“Come on Sonny, talk to me.”

“Stop badgering me. I’m not a witness on the stand,” he ground out between gritted teeth.

“Stop trying to think about the best answer to give and just be honest with me.”

“All three, okay. All of it bothers me.”

“Good. Now we’re getting somewhere. For goodness sake Sonny. You work in SVU. It shouldn’t be this hard to discuss sex.”

“This is my sex life we’re discussing, not some stranger’s. It’s different.”

“It shouldn’t be. Well, there’s nothing I can do about your homophobia, but the other things we can work on.”

“I’m not homophobic!” Sonny exclaimed.

Rafael smirked whilst he was turned away from Sonny. He knew getting Sonny’s indignation up was the way to get him talking.

“Oh. So you have no problem with men having sex with men, as long as it’s not you.”

“Exactly. I’m not attracted to men.”

“No men?”

Sonny was about to answer when he shut his mouth quickly and turned away.

“That’s right. You’re not attracted to any other men, just to me. But I am a man Sonny. You’d better get used to that fact.”

“I know you are. But I’m not going to have sex with you.”

“You sure? Well the offer’s open if you change your mind. Just to complete the bond of course so we can get on with our lives without this pull between us. We can do it one time, and in such a way that me being a man doesn’t turn you off.”

He sauntered into the kitchen to get himself a whiskey. He needed one and wanted to walk away while Sonny was off balance. He took a sip before setting his face and turning around to face his soulmate.

He found the other man frozen to the spot, color high, but he also noticed that he had dilated pupils and a hard-on.

“How could you... I mean... you couldn’t.”

Rafael smirked. “Wanna bet? I may spend much of my time being celibate thanks to work, but I am not a virgin. I am good in bed and know how to please my partners. Believe me, I could have you begging for it. All you would need to do is lie there and trust me; shut your eyes or better still I could use one of my silk ties as a blindfold. You could wrap your hands around my headboard and hold on for the ride.”

Rafael could see Sonny’s eyes dilating even more and his breath growing shallow as he described the scene. He knew the detective was imagining it.

He walked up to him and as he made to walk past him he murmured in his ear. “Just think about it Sonny. I can make you feel sooo goooood…”

He picked up their plates and took them back to the kitchen and put them in the dishwasher, giving the younger man chance to recover. He’d made his point. Now it was up to Sonny to decide if he wanted it or not.

“Could you pass the salad bowl please?” He asked in a normal voice. Time to change the subject and let Sonny stew on it.

He kept the conversation casual for the rest of the evening, although Sonny was obviously still not himself by the time he left. Rafael was satisfied. He had planted the seed. Now time to wait and see if it would germinate.

***

Sonny was pacing at his therapist’s appointment on Monday but not speaking. He could tell Dr Clarke was getting frustrated with him. “Sit down Sonny. You’ll wear a hole in the carpet.”

He threw himself into the seat but couldn’t stop his movements, with his thigh jiggling up and down.

“I can see something’s upset you. Maybe you should tell me about it.”

“It’s Rafael,” Sonny ground out.

“Yes, I guessed that. What’s he done or said?”

“He told me we should have sex!” Sonny exclaimed.

The therapist smiled. “Many people would say that is the natural next step for soulmates. You told me last time that you were both feeling attraction to each other. So why does it surprise you?”

“Rafael knows I’m straight, and don’t like guys that way.”

“But you are sexually attracted to him.”

“Well, yes, but that’s only because of the soulmate match.”

“Still, attraction is attraction. It often leads to sex.”

“If he was a woman or I was gay, then yes, I can see that. But I’m straight and he’s a man. it doesn’t make me homophobic not to want to have sex with him.”

Sonny could feel the eyes of the therapist boring into him, but he didn’t make eye contact.

“But is it true that you don’t want to have sex with him, or is it that you can’t admit you do want it?”

Sonny sighed. This conversation was giving him a headache. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “I’ve thought about it since he talked to me about it Saturday night. He was so sure it would be good and I was turned on, but...”

“What did he say to you?”

“He asked if it was the idea of sex with a man, or the physical side of dealing with men parts instead of women parts, or intercourse itself that bothered me.”

“What did you answer?”

“All of it.”

“Is that the truth? Why does it bother you?”

Sonny was up again, pacing to the window before stopping and looking down at the cars below him on the street. “I don’t like the idea of being with a man. It’s too different, too unknown. It’s not how I see myself. I like women. I like the feel of their bodies, I know what to do with them, how to make it good for them. I like sex with them. I tried anal sex with a girlfriend once and she said it hurt her. I don’t want to do that again.”

He breathed out his breath in a huff, glad to have gotten that out.

“Did Rafael say anything else?”

“He said he could make me beg for it, arrogant son of a bitch. He said he could make it good and he knew what to do to please his partners. He said I could close my eyes or he would use one of his silk ties as a blindfold. He said I could lie there with my hands round his headboard and hold on for the ride.”

“He’s confident.”

Sonny snorted. “Yeah, over confident. I told you, I like women. I don’t think he could do that to me, make me feel those things.”

The therapist smiled, Sonny noted. “Yet I bet you were turned on when he was telling you this, and it sounded almost like a quote, so it had a big impact on you.”

Sonny hung his head down as he sat back down in his chair. “It’s just all so confusing.”

“You’ve spent all your life thinking you were exclusively heterosexual, a 0 on the Kinsey scale. That’s a difficult belief to let go of. But maybe it would be easier to consider yourself a 1 on the scale, primarily heterosexual and only incidentally homosexual. That leaves room for you to be attracted to Rafael, and even have sex with him, without it revoking your whole sexual identity.”

Sonny looked up again. “I suppose that’s a better way of looking at it. But I don’t think I would enjoy sex with a man. As I said, I tried anal once but she didn’t like it, and I don’t want anything inside me there.” Sonny could feel himself color, but the doctor didn’t seem phased.

“I am guessing that Rafael is thinking of being on the receiving end himself if he suggested you could just lie there. And he probably is much more experienced in anal sex than you and your girlfriend were, and knows what to do to prepare himself so it wouldn’t hurt. I doubt he would be planning to penetrate you. But you could always make that clear to him before you agreed to anything. Do you trust him?”

Sonny didn’t need to think about this one. “Yes, of course.”

“So you could agree terms before you started, and him be clear that no means no, so if you changed your mind, he would stop immediately.”

“Yeah, that wouldn’t be a problem. We’ve both worked SVU so long that issues of consent are sacred.”

“Then I would seriously consider it. But Sonny, the one thing you would need to do is be open minded about it. No going into it trying to prove him wrong and determined to hate it because he is a man. If you do decide to do it, you need to both be on the same side here, working towards the same aim, of completing your soulmate bond. The date you do this will be etched on the inside of your wrist forever. You don’t want it to be a bad memory.”

Sonny nodded. “I’ll think about it,” he agreed.

“That’s all I ask.”

***

The week passed, and despite Sonny’s promise, he was trying not to think about what Rafael had suggested. But he had no luck as he couldn’t keep his mind from imagining it. Every time he saw Rafael it was worse. He wondered how a silk tie would feel around his eyes, and tried to imagine what Rafael would do to him to make him feel good. He saw the arrogant smirk and wondered what those lips would feel like on him, around him.

One day at work the ADA was going through their case at the precinct, having taken his coat off. The suspenders pulled his pants up which emphasized his ass and Sonny couldn’t take his eyes off it as he imagined those rounded cheeks parting to allow him entrance. He shook his head. This was driving him insane!

It was far too quickly weekend again without him making any decision, and he had arranged to meet Rafael at a coffee house near the park. He got there and found the ADA had bought him a drink already, and he sat down. Rafael put away his cell and smiled at him.

“So how have you been this week? Thought any more about what we discussed last Saturday?”

Sonny swallowed hard. “I’ve thought about it yes, and discussed it with my therapist.”

“Reached any conclusions?”

“I’m not sure.”

Rafael grinned and took a swig of his coffee. “Well that’s progress, and a change from ‘I could never do that’.”

“How would it work?” Sonny asked in a low voice, stirring sugar into his coffee and watching the swirl of foam intently to avoid his soulmate’s eyes.

“Anything you definitely don’t want, you tell me beforehand, and no or stop are fine. Say either and I stop everything immediately. You don’t have to do anything for me - touch me, kiss me, or anything else. I’ll do all the work. You can just lie there and enjoy it. I’ll shower and won’t put cologne on so you won’t smell me, I won’t speak so you don’t hear me, and I’ll cover your eyes so you can’t see me. Nothing will go in your mouth so you won’t taste me. All you will do is feel.”

Sonny swallowed a big gulp of his coffee and nearly choked on it. He was hard again.

“I don’t want anything inside me,” he said quietly, glancing around them to confirm there was no-one within earshot.

“No problem. I hadn’t planned to do that anyway. Anything else?”

Sonny shook his head. There was silence for a minute.

“So when shall we do this?” Rafael asked.

Sonny swallowed. Best to get it over with, before he changed his mind. “Tonight?” He replied.

Rafael grinned at him. “Be at mine at 9pm.”

Sonny nodded, wondering what the hell he was doing agreeing to this, and the conversation between them died as they both contemplated the evening ahead.


	9. Bonding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you may have guessed from the last chapter, this one is where the smut starts!

Rafael opened his door to Sonny and let him in. He could see fear in the younger man’s eyes and he could spot him trembling. He wondered if he was doing the right thing, seducing his soulmate like this. But on the other hand, he didn’t think Sonny would agree to it without a push.

He led the way to his bedroom, where he had lit candles which released a pleasant relaxing smell throughout the room as well as keeping the lighting low.

“Take off whatever clothes you feel comfortable without and lie down,” Rafael instructed.

Sonny hesitated and then took his shirt off and jeans and socks, leaving just his boxer briefs on. Rafael smiled at him as the man lay down stiffly. He was definitely not relaxed. He didn’t think mentioning it would help though.

Sonny looked up at him as he sat on the side of the bed, reaching for a tie which he had placed on the bedside table.

“Aren’t you going to take your clothes off?” He asked.

Rafael smiled. “Of course. But you said the differences between male and female anatomies would put you off so I didn’t think it would be a good idea to show you the older, slightly out of shape male body you were getting.” He saw Sonny smile at this, as he had intended.

“Close your eyes,” Rafael said softly and Sonny did as he was told, holding his head still while Rafael knotted the tie gently at the side and then pressed him down until his head was on the pillow. Rafael saw his hands ball into tight fists at his side.

“Just breathe deeply and relax. Trust me. I won’t hurt you, and say stop or no if you change your mind.”

Sonny nodded his agreement, and Rafael got up from the bed and stripped himself naked. He looked at the nearly naked body lying on his bed and felt himself swell in anticipation. Sonny was gorgeous. He knew he had to do this right, make this good for the other man or this would be the only time he got to touch him.

He sat on the edge of the bed again and reached for the massage oil he had placed nearby, letting some drip onto his fingers. He had decided earlier that a massage would be the best way to relax the younger man and be a good lead in to sex, as well as getting Sonny used to being touched by him.

He warmed the oil in his hands and then lightly ran his fingers over Sonny’s hands, massaging each one in turn until they relaxed from the tight fists they had been in. He moved his touch to Sonny’s wrists, gently tracing his own initials carved over the delicate skin of the inside of his wrist, and then moving up his arms. By the time he was digging his fingers into the tight muscles of Sonny’s shoulders, releasing the tension there, he could see Sonny was more relaxed, and he had the start of an erection.

He used his hands to encourage Sonny to turn over onto his front, and the man did so easily. He guided Sonny’s hands to the metal headboard, and Sonny wrapped his fingers tightly round the metal bar that went through the center. Rafael moved position, straddling him so he could reach better although keeping his body away from Sonny’s, and started massaging his back, using deep strokes until he felt the muscles relax, and then turning them sensuous and light. When he turned Sonny over again, he could see the frown on his face had relaxed and he looked more peaceful. That was a good start. Now to turn up the heat.

He massaged Sonny’s chest, paying close attention to his nipples, and when Sonny started arching into the contact he leaned down, kissing and then sucking one hardening bud, running his tongue round it and pulling it with his lips until he heard a gasp. He switched to the other side and repeated the action, before moving away, further down Sonny’s abdomen. By now the younger man’s erection was distending the front of his underwear.

Rafael skipped the groin and moved instead to Sonny’s thighs, giving his right one a massage, and kissing the scar left by the bullet that had changed both their lives, and then moving down to his knees, calves, and feet, before working his way back up the left leg.

He reached for Sonny’s waistband and tapped his hips, and Sonny lifted his hips. Rafael pulled the clothing off, and he could feel his mouth watering at the sight of the long rigid cock revealed to him, but he made no effort to touch it. Instead he massaged Sonny’s inner thighs and hips, before gradually moving closer. He cupped the heavy balls in one hand and stroked them before moving upwards. By now Sonny was arching upwards, his hips leaving the bed, and his mouth open and gasping. He heard a quiet word whispered.

“Please.”

He ran his hand lightly round the cock before enclosing it in his fist and pulling slowly, adding a twist around the head. He traced around the slit before rubbing his palm over the whole head, and then letting his fist slowly go back down, only to repeat the process. After five minutes of this, Sonny was gasping audibly and Rafael heard a moan. He reached down to press the base of his own cock hard as he used his other hand to remove the butt plug he had been wearing for the last hour to stretch himself in preparation. This was turning him on so much.

He spread Sonny’s legs and moved to lie between them, and gently breathed on Sonny’s cock before lapping up it to the slit and licking it gently. He took the organ between his lips and sucked as he lowered his head, holding his breath as he felt the instinctive thrust up of Sonny’s hips which sent the cock all the way down his throat. He swallowed before withdrawing, hearing the loud moan from the top of the bed. He grinned to himself.

***

Sonny gasped as he felt the hot wet mouth enclose him again. He had never been pampered like this before. Usually it was him making the effort with foreplay. He had never imagined getting a massage could be so sensual, and this blow job was the best he had ever had. He gave himself over to the feelings coursing through him. He could smell the candles and feel the silk over his eyes and the soft sheets. The only sounds were the ones he was making. It was like he was alone in a sensual bubble where nothing existed except touch.

He felt himself approaching the tipping point and immediately the mouth was gone and a hand was gently squeezing him, bringing him from the edge. He relaxed down again as he felt a shift on the bed, and then his cock was being held upright, and he felt slick liquid being smoothed all over him, followed by pressure as a tight cavern took him in. He moved further into the heat and groaned at how good it felt as he thrust upwards. Soon he felt hot skin against his own at his groin, and realized he must be inside Rafael. He thrust upwards again and felt corresponding movement of his partner and a broken off gasp.

This broke the sensation of being alone in experiencing this, and he realized he couldn’t finish this the same way, just lying here. He had always considered himself a good lover and an unselfish one. Lying here just taking pleasure wasn’t in his nature. Even though he had never been with a man before, he couldn’t deny he was turned on by being with Rafael now. They were in this together, and he wanted to share the experience.

His doubts and fears all vanished as he let go of the headboard and surged upwards, reaching his hands down to Rafael’s hips to support him as he thrust upwards again. A few more seconds of this and he wanted more, and reached one hand up to pull Rafael closer to him, wanting to kiss him. Luckily Rafael met him halfway, and they kissed gently, in contrast to the demanding thrust of their hips.

Sonny let go of Rafael’s head which he’d had in a strong grip, and brushed off the silk tie, slowly opening his eyes to look into those of his lover. He could see the arousal in them as he thrust again deeply, and Rafael tipped his head back and groaned.

“There, that’s it,” he whispered.

Sonny obliged, thrusting hard again in the same direction, using one hand to keep Rafael’s body close to him while the other reached between their bodies. He used some of the oil still coating his body to smooth the way and touching the hard cock, pulling it hesitantly, then more firmly as Rafael gasped.

They moved quicker and Sonny could feel the sensations spiral upwards, taking him to his peak. He kept going, gasping between each thrust as he felt the sweat beading on his forehead, and Rafael’s hand clenched on his back. He reached forward and kissed Rafael again, more passionately this time, thrusting his tongue against his lover’s before he gasped out as his orgasm hit him. His hand slowed on Rafael, but fingers surrounded his own, helping them move, and it was only a few seconds later that he felt the splash of hot fluid on his hand and heard Rafael’s groan.

Rafael pulled off as Sonny lay back on the bed to get his breath back. Wow, he hadn’t expected that. He didn’t move as he felt the bed shift and he watched as Rafael slowly got to his feet and padded to the ensuite. He came back a minute later with a wet, warm cloth which he used to wipe Sonny down, getting rid of the stickiness and sweat.

“That won’t take off the massage oil - you’ll need a shower for that - but it’ll do for now.”

Sonny nodded and then Rafael was off again, this time coming back with chilled bottles of water, one of which he passed to Sonny.

Sonny twisted off the top and then drank greedily from the bottle, not letting up until half of the water was gone. By this time Rafael was sat next to him, sipping from his own bottle.

“You’re very quiet. Are you okay?”

Sonny glanced round. “Yeah, just getting my breath back. That was intense.”

Rafael grinned. “Told you you would enjoy it.”

Sonny rolled his eyes at him and smiled. He should have known Rafael’s confidence wasn’t misplaced.

“I wasn’t expecting your active participation at the end. That was a pleasant surprise.”

Sonny shrugged. “I’m not usually passive in bed. It seemed right that we finish this together.”

“I’m glad,” Rafael said.

Sonny looked Rafael over, noting the caramel colored skin and abundance of chest hair, the softness of his stomach and the now lax cock between his legs.

“Chest hair and penis. Same as you, although you don’t have as much chest hair.”

“Did you think seeing them would put me off?”

Rafael laughed. “You looked as if you would run out of here if I said ‘boo’ so I wasn’t going to take any chances.”

“I bet you would have dressed again before taking off the blindfold too, wouldn’t you?”

“Well, I was going to put on a robe rather than get fully dressed again, but yes, that was the plan. I’m glad I didn’t need to. Thank you, Sonny.”

Sonny was confused. “What for?”

“Trusting me. I know it wasn’t easy to do that.”

He smiled. “Trust wasn’t the problem, Rafael. You being a man was.”

“And now?”

“Well, let’s just say that is less of a problem.”

Rafael laughed and Sonny joined in, before getting up and heading to the shower.

***

When Sonny appeared in the kitchen after his shower, he was fully dressed, Rafael felt a pang of disappointment. It’s not that he expected everything to have changed between them. He knew Sonny would need time to process this. But still, it hurt to see Sonny about to leave him, as if he was a one night stand or casual hook-up.

Rafael hid this and smiled. “Managed to get off the massage oil?”

“Yeah, just about. That was a great massage though.”

“Only the massage was great?” He teased. 

Sonny rolled his eyes. “No, but I don’t want you to get a big head. Thank you, Rafael. I enjoyed that.”

“Good. See you tomorrow at the park?” He queried. It was their standing Sunday meeting place when the weather was good enough.

“Yeah. 10am. I’ll be there,” Sonny confirmed as he headed to the door with a smile.

Rafael was tempted to lean in for a hug or a kiss, but hesitated, and Sonny was out of the door before he got chance.

Coming back into the kitchen he got himself a large whiskey before lying down on his sofa and thinking about the evening. He had never quite believed Sonny would show up, half expecting a text or call cancelling, but had gone ahead and prepared for it, showering and shaving, and setting up the bedroom ready. He had left opening himself up and pressing in the butt plug until half an hour before Sonny was due to arrive, and then clock-watched until the doorbell rang.

Even then he hadn’t relaxed, seeing the tense state of the younger man, who looked as if he was about to flee at any provocation. A massage had been the best option he had decided and put it into action. But the end had taken him by surprise. He had expected Sonny to just lie there until it was over, and had been prepared for that. But Sonny actively taking part, touching him, kissing him and looking him in the eye as he came had been a huge high. It made him wish for things he still didn’t think could happen, for them to be real soulmates with a proper relationship. 

He finished his drink and then headed to the bedroom, changing the oil covered sheets for clean ones and closing the window he had opened to get rid of the smell of incense and sex. He would put this behind him and not hope for things that wouldn’t happen.

***

The next day Sonny was at the park feeding the ducks when he saw Rafael approaching on the path. He felt butterflies in his stomach start up. The man looked good, and now he knew what he could do in bed... He was feeling aroused already. So much for them completing their bond so the attraction went away. Maybe with more time it would.

Rafael smiled as he sat down next to him, and Sonny could read tenderness and affection in his green eyes.

“Did you sleep well?” Sonny asked.

Rafael leaned back and stretched. “Like a baby. You?”

“Yeah, good.”

There was silence for a minute. 

“Is this going to make things awkward between us, because that wasn’t my intention,” Rafael said.

Sonny shook his head. “No. I just need time to reconcile the different sides of you. The Rafael I saw last night, and the one who is my friend, as well as ADA Barba. You’re like a chameleon.”

Rafael laughed. “It’s just me. Yes at work I do put on more of a prickly exterior but away from work I try to just be myself.”

“How are you dealing with last night?” Rafael asked quietly when Sonny went silent again.

Sonny quirked an eyebrow at him. “Looking for more compliments?” He asked cheekily.

Rafael laughed, reassured by the comment. “I never say no to hearing good things about myself, but no, I was meaning are you freaking out about enjoying it.”

“Not freaking out yet, no. I had been thinking about sexuality as black and white, despite all the evidence on the job that it’s not that straight forward. My therapist suggested that I think of it using the Kinsey scale, and instead of me being a 0, I am a 1, which doesn’t exclude all men. It helped me see that I can be attracted to you and even have sex with you without it negating all my past experiences. I’m still pretty much heterosexual, it’s just you that is the exception to that.”

Rafael wasn’t sure whether that was a good thing or not. “So I’m an exception to you. Not sure what to think about that.”

“If it means I was able to let go of my heterosexuality enough to let last night happen, I think it‘s a good thing. And I did enjoy myself. You know damn well how good in bed you are, so don’t need me to tell you that.”

Rafael relaxed and smiled. “Ah, but maybe I need to hear it from you. You’re the only man in decades I’ve been nervous about taking to bed.”

Sonny sat upright and looked intently at him. “You, nervous?”

Rafael chuckled. “It does happen, on occasion. Of course I was nervous. You had told me in no uncertain terms that you were straight and wouldn’t consider sex with me. I persuaded you to give it a try, but there was no way to be sure you actually would go through with it, or allow yourself to relax enough to enjoy it. The most important sex organ is the brain. If you had decided to hate it, nothing I did would have worked.”

Sonny smiled. “My therapist pointed out that if we did this, the date would be stamped on our wrists forever, and we wanted it to be a good memory. He said I needed to go into it with an open mind and not with the wrong attitude.”

“Well you certainly did that. I’m glad.”

“Me too.”


	10. Lust

The next few weeks they carried on as usual, meeting each day briefly for a chat before going their separate ways, but Sonny found himself craving more of Rafael’s company. Now the big stumbling block of them completing their bond was over, they were getting on better than ever. The attraction he had been so keen to see the back of was still there, changed, but still present. He was no longer fighting it though, and thought that was maybe the point of bonding; to bring the two soulmates closer. He found himself wanting more of Rafael’s touch, to be close to him again, and when he jerked off, it was Rafael he saw, not the actresses or models he usually fantasized about. He wasn’t sure what to do about it.

Rafael was due over for a meal and Sonny was distracting himself by cooking. By the time the older man arrived, a lovely meal had been prepared, although Sonny found himself picking at it. Rafael soon noticed.

‘What’s the matter, Sonny? This meal is delicious, so I can’t believe you don’t want to eat it.”

Sonny was stuck, not sure what to say.

“What are we Rafael? How do you see our relationship?”

Rafael lay down his cutlery and wiped his mouth with his napkin before answering.

“We’re soulmates who are friends and co-workers,” he replied.

“Friends, who are attracted to each other,” Sonny confirmed.

“Yes. Well, I know I am still attracted to you and I assume you are to me or you wouldn’t be asking the question. Our relationship can be whatever we decide we want it to be. The real question is what do you want it to be? I am open to all the options, but you need to figure out what you want, Sonny.”

“Yes, I know,” he said dejectedly. He was fed up of going over this in his mind. It was good to know Rafael was open to more though.

“Do you want more than to be just friends?” Rafael asked softly.

Sonny nodded.

“Do you want to touch me, kiss me, maybe go to bed with me again?” He asked even quieter.

Sonny took a shaky breath before nodding again.

“We can do that. It’s your decision how far we go, what we do. We can take it as slowly as you like. Whatever you feel comfortable with.”

Sonny nodded, and Rafael grinned. “But for now eat up. You can’t waste this great meal you’ve cooked.”

***

After they finished eating and clearing up, Sonny followed Rafael to the couch and they sat down, with Rafael close to Sonny, but not touching him.

“Relax Sonny. Nothing is going to happen unless you want it to. We don’t have to do anything at all tonight.”

Sonny could still feel the fluttering of butterflies in his stomach, but he also knew the arousal he was feeling inside, the lust he felt for this man, was stronger. He reached out one shaky hand to Rafael’s shoulder and leaned in slowly, twisting towards him as he did so. He could do this. They had kissed before.

He closed his eyes as his lips touched Rafael’s, and concentrated on the feelings. The kiss started tentative and gentle, but he soon grew impatient with that and licked Rafael’s bottom lip before exploring the seam of them. Rafael quickly responded, and soon they were thrusting into each other’s mouths, the passion growing between them every minute.

Rafael moved to hold Sonny, who leaned into the embrace. This was great. He’d always loved kissing, and kissing a man was really no different to kissing a woman. He could feel the slight rasp of Rafael’s stubble on his cheek, but really that was only turning him on, not off.

Rafael pulled away, and Sonny found himself gazing into his eyes, seeing the dilation and reading the passion in them.

“This sofa is definitely too small for this action, and your long legs. How about we move to the bed. Don’t worry, we can keep doing the same. I just don’t want either of us doing our backs in on this damned furniture.”

Sonny smiled and sat, helping up Rafael, and leading him to his bedroom. They lay down on the bed and as Rafael had said, carried on kissing, the way they had been doing before. This time though, it was easier for their bodies to meet up, and soon Sonny found his hips grinding against Rafael’s, easily able to feel the other man’s cock through the jeans they both wore.

“Is this okay, Sonny? Talk to me.”

“Yes, this is great.”

“Good. Do you want to keep doing this, or try more?” Rafael asked.

Sonny thought for a minute, but knew he wanted more. He was feeling very turned on now, and more confident this was right for them. 

“More,” he whispered, pulling up Rafael’s shirt. The older man sat up and removed the top, leaving him bare chested, and did the same to Sonny. They both lay down again, with their naked flesh meeting up. Sonny let his hand wander up Rafael’s back, feeling the larger expanse of skin and stronger muscles than he was used to, but not finding that a problem. His hand wandered round to the front of his body, and Rafael lay back as Sonny explored his chest and abdomen, stroking his nipples and combing his fingers through the chest hair.

Rafael pulled Sonny back to him, and they kissed passionately again for long minutes. This time when Sonny pulled back, he was more hesitant as he reached for Rafael’s belt buckle. He caught Rafael’s eyes, and saw the nod of agreement before continuing. He soon had the jeans undone and pulled down, and Rafael finished removing them before relaxing back on the bed again.

Sonny looked down at the black boxers, seeing them distended by Rafael’s erection. He was struck with indecision about what to do next. So he played for time by removing his own jeans. Rafael pulled him close again and they kissed some more, this time with only two thin layers of cloth between their cocks. Sonny was thrusting onto Rafael’s thigh by the time he came up for air, and knew he was close to coming.

Rafael pushed Sonny back, and this time suggested they remove their underwear, and both men did this. Sonny looked at the fully erect dick sticking out from Rafael’s groin with a pearly drop in the slit.

“You’ve got one yourself. You know what you like, so chances are I will too.”

Sonny reached out and touched the throbbing member and found it hot beneath his hand, just as his own no doubt felt. Rafael moved closer to him, and their cocks touched. Rafael wrapped their hands around them both, and moved them gently at first, then more firmly as they got more turned on and the pre-come lubricated their hands. They kissed passionately again, and soon Sonny felt on the edge. He pulled Rafael even closer and gasped as he felt the overwhelming pleasure wave crash through him. He was just coming down from the high when he heard Rafael moan and felt a splash of hot liquid on his hand.

He relaxed back on the bed, watching his lover recover his energy. This was definitely different to being with a woman, but still good.

***

Rafael opened his eyes and grabbed a couple of tissues from a box on the nightstand and using them to clean off the worst of the mess on their bellies. Then he threw them in the trash can he could see and relaxed down again.

He watched Sonny’s face and saw the smile appear there. He was relieved. He hadn’t thought they would get to this point, but he was hopeful now that they would get closer. He realized his feelings were growing strong for Sonny. He really hoped he wasn’t alone in this.

”Is that what you had in mind?” He asked Sonny.

Sonny laughed. “I didn’t really think that far ahead. But it was good.”

Rafael watched as Sonny sat up in bed and then got off to get his bathrobe from the hook on the door. He put it on and then went out, getting bottles of water for them both.

Rafael took off the top and drank some water, watching Sonny fidget, and then look at his watch. “You’re welcome to a shower if you want one,” Sonny said, and Rafael could feel his heart sink. He could recognize a dismissal when he heard one. Still, their relationship had progressed tonight more than he had expected, so he should accept the win and be patient.

“Thanks, I will have a quick one, then get out of your way,” he said with a smile.

He padded to the bathroom and turned on the water, sighing to himself.

By the time he had gotten out and dressed, he had his game face on, with no signs of disappointment showing.

“Thanks for a lovely meal and great night Sonny. Sleep well.” He got in Sonny’s space and gave him a quick hug and kiss on the cheek before walking away, letting himself out and heading home.

***

A month later their weekly Saturday nights were becoming a regular fixture, and most often involved a meal at one of their apartments followed by them both retiring to bed. Sonny had gradually become more comfortable with touching Rafael and more confident. They were getting on really well and Rafael was hopeful that Sonny’s feelings for him were growing, just as his were for the younger man. But they weren’t discussing what they were doing, and they never spent the night together.

One Saturday night, after a meal at Rafael’s, they were just finishing their coffee when Rafael leaned towards Sonny and kissed him. Sonny responded, and soon they were making out on the sofa. Rafael took Sonny by the hand and pulled him into his bedroom with him, and they kissed as they removed their clothing, before sinking into an embrace on the bed.

Sonny relaxed back and enjoyed the strong fingers digging into his shoulder muscles. He always carried tension in his shoulders and Rafael regularly massaged them for him, and he always felt more relaxed afterwards. He was getting used to being in bed with Rafael, and relishing the attention that was always shown to him. Unlike with a woman, where he found he was usually expected to do most of the work, he was finding that with Rafael, he could always expect to be stroked and kissed, touched in ways and in places that he had never realized turned him on before. He felt lov.... No, he couldn’t use that word in conjunction with Rafael. They were together because of the soulmate match which was artificial. It wasn’t a real relationship.

Rafael pulled away from Sonny and reached up into the nightstand drawer, pulling out a bottle of lube.

“I’d really like it if you would be inside me tonight, Sonny. Is that okay?” He asked softly. Sonny felt nerves fluttering through him. So far they had given each other hand jobs and rubbed each other off, but not had intercourse again since the first time.

“I... uhm.... you really like that?” He asked, hesitating.

Rafael grinned. “Yeah, it feels great. Couldn’t you tell I liked it from when we did it before?”

Sonny shrugged. “Well, yes, you did seem to. But I tried it once with a girlfriend and she said it was painful.”

“What did you do to prepare her before you did it?”

Sonny looked away awkwardly. “I used lube on the condom, and put a finger in first.”

“Yeah, that’s usually not enough, especially with someone who isn’t used to it. It takes a while of gradual stretching and it helps if the man or woman can relax those muscles. I’m not surprised it hurt her. But it wouldn’t hurt me, believe me.”

“Is it sanitary?” Sonny asked quietly.

Rafael shrugged. “I don’t have any diseases, as I’ve always made sure to get tested between partners, and am not having sex with anyone else. As far as cleanliness is concerned, I always clean myself thoroughly in the shower, and also douche if I am anticipating having anal sex, so although it’s not sterile, it’s relatively sanitary. You can use a condom too if it makes you feel more comfortable.”

Sonny colored. “We didn’t use one last time.”

“No, I had read up and found that soulmate bonds are more effective if there are no barriers during sex.” He waited for a moment before continuing. “Don’t worry about it Sonny. There’s no pressure. We can do something else.”

Sonny watched Rafael lean in and kiss him, and responded, but his mind was whirring. He could see the disappointment on Rafael’s face although he was trying to cover it up. Why was he hesitating? Was it because it reinforced the idea that he was having sex with a man? Anal sex was something gays did and he didn’t think of himself that way. But he had done it and enjoyed it, and really, he was well aware he was in bed with a man, as he had touched Rafael’s cock many times now.

He knew it was an irrational fear, and he didn’t want to refuse to do something they would both enjoy because of it.

He pulled away. “Okay, we can try it,” he said.

Rafael looked at him for a few seconds, his piercing green eyes seeming to look right into his soul. “Are you sure? We really don’t have to.”

“No, I want to. What do you need me to do?”

Rafael grinned. “Nothing. I can prepare myself. There are condoms in the top drawer if you’d prefer to wear one, but I don’t mind if you don’t.”

Sonny did put one on, but his attention was on Rafael as he knelt up and spread his legs, putting lube on his fingers and then opening himself up. He couldn’t really see what Rafael was doing as he was facing him, so asked.

“I usually start by just circling the anus with a fingertip, as a tease. Did you know it is one of the most sensitive areas of the body because of the number of nerve endings there? Next I insert one finger, and after the muscles relax a bit, then I add another one. As you get used to it, it’s easier to control the muscles. Then of course there’s the prostate. Just touching it feels great.”

Sonny watched Rafael’s face as he said this, and saw his head drop back and his mouth open as a look of bliss crossed his face. He pressed the base of his cock hard. Just watching and hearing what Rafael was doing was turning him on more.

Rafael pulled his hand free of himself and grabbed a tissue to wipe it off, before lying down on the bed. “I’m ready. Come here.”

Sonny moved and lay between Rafael’s legs in the traditional missionary position, and watched while Rafael positioned a pillow underneath his hips. He felt his cock being guided by Rafael’s hand, and followed the movement, pressing his hips forward. He groaned as his cock entered the hot body underneath him, and didn’t stop until he was all the way in. He kissed Rafael, their tongues thrusting against each other in a way their bodies weren’t yet doing.

“Yeah, that’s it. It feels so good. Now move, slowly to start with,” Rafael murmured to him, and Sonny did as he was told. He could feel Rafael’s cock against his abdomen as he moved, his chest hair brushing his nipples and stimulating them, and the tightness surrounding his cock was greater than being inside a woman. He gasped. He wasn’t going to last long; this felt too good.

He speeded up, and Rafael encouraged him. “Faster, harder, come on Sonny, don’t hold back. I can take it.” Sonny didn’t. He could feel himself approaching his peak as his breath came in pants, and they were both thrusting almost violently against each other. He came hard, all his muscles tensing up and he cried out as the wave of ecstasy crashed over him. He could distantly hear Rafael moan too, and feel his hot semen on his belly.

His arm muscles gave way and he collapsed onto Rafael’s body. The older man just laughed though and turned them so they were on their sides. It took Sonny a minute before he could coordinate his hand enough to remove the condom, and he wrapped it in a tissue and threw it in the trash can. That had been great. 

He opened his eyes and watched Rafael mop up his come from both their bodies.

“I’m sorry,” Sonny said, feeling guilty as he realized he hadn’t touched Rafael’s cock at all.

Rafael looked quizzically at him. “What are you apologizing for?”

“I didn’t touch you.”

Rafael laughed. “You didn’t need to. You nailed my prostate and when that happens I can come untouched.”

Sonny was stunned. “It feels that good? Wow.”

Rafael propped himself up on one elbow. “You’ve never tried it have you - any anal or prostate stimulation?”

“No. It always seemed too gay to do anything like that.” He colored, realizing how that sounded, but when he glanced up at Rafael, he didn’t seem bothered by the thoughtless comment.

“That’s two highly sensitive erogenous zones you’ve spent all your life completely ignoring because of some outdated ideas of what men and women should do in bed. If it gives you pleasure, why not enjoy it, is always the way I’ve looked at it. Anyway, it’s your body, your choice. If you ever want to experiment with it, I can give you some pointers.”

Sonny nodded but frowned. Was Rafael hinting he wanted to do that, or maybe even fuck him? He decided what he was thinking probably showed on his face when Rafael immediately reassured him.

“Don’t look so worried. I won’t ever touch you there unless you tell me you want me to, and I’m not expecting to ever fuck you. But that felt great and I’m happy to be on the receiving end any time you want a repeat.” Rafael kissed Sonny gently, then headed off to have a shower.

Sonny relaxed as he watched Rafael walk out. He had never thought of himself as a prude where it came to sex, but Rafael was so much more open and comfortable with it than he was. He trusted him though, and knew he would never push for more than Sonny was willing to give him.


	11. Reconstruction

A few weeks later and they had just had great sex again, as was becoming the norm, with Sonny inside Rafael. The younger man was now much more comfortable with fucking him, and Rafael was loving the regular sex. But emotionally he was frustrated. He knew he was falling for Sonny, but was very unsure of Sonny’s feelings for him. He had hoped by adding regular sex into their relationship they would become closer, but Sonny was still quite distant from him at times, and he found himself wanting more as time went on.

Rafael relaxed on the bed in his bathrobe, enjoying a nightcap of whiskey as he listened to the shower turn off. He was glad they were at his apartment tonight, as he could hear the rain lashing against the window outside and definitely didn’t want to go out into that weather.

He watched Sonny pad into the room, clad only in a towel wrapped around his hips, and just then there was a flash of lightening and a loud clap of thunder. The storm was close. Sonny hesitated and glanced at the window outside, and Rafael could have sworn the younger man shivered.

“You’re welcome to stay here if you don’t want to go out in that,” he said, taking a sip of his drink and trying to act casually, as if the answer didn’t mean as much as it did to him.

Sonny hesitated. “You sure?” He asked.

“Of course. This bed’s big enough for two.”

The younger man stood there for another few seconds, hesitating, before nodding. “Thanks.”

Rafael felt elation well up inside of him. Of course Sonny was only staying because of the storm, but maybe this could lead to another change in their relationship. He would be quite happy to stay in bed with Sonny in future, rather than one or the other of them leaving. He liked the idea of waking up with Sonny too.

Rafael finished his drink, slipping off the robe and between the sheets, and Sonny joined him. He turned off the light and settled down. A flash of lightening showed him that Sonny was lying still and tense next to him in the bed.

“Relax and go to sleep Sonny,” he murmured, then shut his eyes as he heard the younger man sigh and shift slightly in the bed. He allowed himself to drift off, dreaming of the two of them in a relationship that still seemed too far off in his waking hours.

***

Sonny woke up and snuggled into the warmth he was wrapped around, only slowly emerging into wakefulness to realize he was on Rafael’s side of the bed with arms and legs tangled up with his soulmate. He tensed and tried to pull back slowly, only to have Rafael’s hands tighten around his arms.

“Where are you going? It’s way too early to get up yet,” the older man said.

Sonny leaned up to glance at the clock on the nightstand and saw it was only 6.30am. He lay back down again and stayed still, but his mind was too awake now to easily fall back to sleep again. He did try to shift his hips backwards in the bed though once he realized his morning wood was pressing against Rafael’s ass.

Rafael moved in the bed with him though.

“No need to move away. I was enjoying that,” he said, grinding his ass back into Sonny.

Sonny took a deep breath in, feeling his cock harden even more. Rafael continued to rotate his hips and Sonny felt his arousal grow. Their bodies kept moving against each other for the next few minutes, and now there was no doubt they were both wide awake and not going back to sleep.

Rafael moved suddenly and grabbed the tube of lube, quickly slicking up his hand, and then thrusting it down behind him to encircle Sonny’s cock. Sonny gasped, but didn’t stop him, and soon felt Rafael holding him against his body in the right position. Sonny didn’t even hesitate, but thrust forwards, easily entering the hot body in front of him.

As he set up a rhythm with his hips, he reached down and grabbed Rafael’s cock with his hand, jacking him off swiftly. Rafael moaned.

Within minutes, first Rafael, then Sonny came. They cleaned up with tissues, and then Rafael turned in the bed to face Sonny with a smile on his face.

“That’s a great way to wake up,” Rafael commented.

Sonny agreed, but then a wave of panic came over him. He rolled onto his back and tried to make sense of his racing thoughts. He had his relationship with Rafael in a box, compartmentalized from the rest of his life. They saw each other every morning for coffee, and they spent an evening together each week and both relieved the sexual tension that had built up in them. Other than that, his life was unchanged. He was happy and sexually satisfied, and didn’t need anything to change. Spending the night with Rafael and them having sex again wasn’t part of the plan. He didn’t want this.

Rafael backed away and sat up in the bed, watching Sonny warily.

“What’s the matter?”

Sonny sat up too and wrapped his arms around himself. He didn’t make eye contact with Rafael.

“What are we doing, Rafael?”

Rafael sighed. “We’re soulmates Sonny. That means it is natural for us to be in a relationship, and in fact considering our side effects, will have more problems if we’re not.”

“But we were fine before, with just meeting up every day.”

“And sex every week. You enjoyed that as much as I did,” Rafael pointed out.

“Okay yes. But that was enough. Our relationship doesn’t need to go any further than that.”

“I’m not forcing you, Sonny. You could have left last night; you chose to stay. You didn’t have to fuck me just now, but you were willing. Don’t try and put this on me because you’re uncomfortable. My God, am I that bad that you can’t stand to be close to me?”

Rafael jumped out of bed and put on his bathrobe quickly, heading out of the bedroom.

Sonny watched him leave before swearing under his breath and slowly following. There was a spare bathrobe hanging up, on the back of the door. Sonny knew it was there for him, as it had appeared the second time he had slept with Rafael. It just made him feel guiltier. Rafael was making accommodations for him, yet all he could do was pull away.

He got to the kitchen and sat at the breakfast bar and took the coffee that Rafael gave him with a quiet thank you. He sipped it before speaking. He could see Rafael looking out of the kitchen window, his body tense.

“It’s not you, it’s me. I’m still struggling with this.”

“Where do you see us going Sonny? In a year’s time, 5 years’ time? Do you expect our relationship to stay static; us still meeting up once a day before work starts, with sex once a week? Is that what you want?”

“I don’t know what I want,” Sonny admitted, and watched as Rafael glared at him, and then stalked out of the room, stating his intention to have a shower. 

It wasn’t true. He knew he wanted a relationship with someone, a proper relationship with commitment and love. He just wasn’t sure he saw that relationship with Rafael. Then he admitted the truth to himself. He could see that relationship with Rafael. This morning had shown him how it could work. He just had a problem with it because it was so different from what he had expected from his life. He had wanted a wife and family and to have free choice as to who to spend the rest of his life with. Instead he had had a soulmate not of his choosing landed on him, and he resented that.

It occurred to him that most of the population was in that situation, with the initials of their soulmate marked on their wrists from birth. But it was different for him, because he wasn’t meant to be with Rafael. It was only the shooting that had resulted in him becoming Rafael’s soulmate. It was a series of coincidences that had given him this fate. Now he was stuck with Rafael, whether he wanted to be or not.

But did he want to be with Rafael? A lot of how he was feeling was stubbornness because he didn’t want to be forced into a relationship with Rafael. But they got on great, and the sex was fantastic. If he had chosen to be with Rafael in this way, would he be fighting this? He knew he wouldn’t. He had always given himself fully over to relationships, and given them his all. With Rafael he fought for space every time they got closer, and he knew he was hurting him. The man had been nothing but understanding so far, but there were limits and he suspected he was approaching them.

The reality was that his soulmate was the only person he would ever be able to have a close intimate relationship with. So if he wanted that, he had to get on board and stop pulling away from Rafael.

He finished his coffee quickly as he made his decision, then headed towards the bathroom.

***

Rafael was under the massage spray of the shower, letting the pounding water soothe him. He hated this situation. Sonny had such power over him, not just because of being his soulmate, but because his feelings were so strong. He knew he had to get them under control and stop being hopeful for the future, but admit defeat; Sonny would never be comfortable in a relationship with him. He hadn’t expected he would have a life partner before all this happened, so he had to go back to that way of thinking, and stop daydreaming about what would never be.

He suddenly heard the shower door open, and Sonny was stood there, naked.

“Can I join you?” He asked with an embarrassed smile.

Rafael nodded and moved away from the opening a bit.

Sonny moved closer to Rafael and closed the door behind him, then wrapped both arms around the older man. Rafael felt a surge of hope which he tried to dampen down.

“I thought you didn’t know what you wanted,” he said bitterly.

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t really being honest. I do know what I want. It’s just that my life has turned out so differently to what I expected and I’m still coming to terms with that. But I’ve always wanted a relationship with someone, to spend my life with someone.”

“You just don’t want that with me,” Rafael said, sadly.

“I never wanted it with any man, but gender aside, I can see the potential for a great relationship between us. plus we are soulmates, so really don’t have that much choice.”

“So you’ll put up with the fact that I’m a man and have a relationship with me as you don’t have any other option. That’s great. Such a romantic declaration. Forgive me if I don’t swoon,” Rafael said sarcastically, glaring at Sonny as he pulled away from him.

“Jesus. That’s not what I meant. I’m doing this badly.”

“Well that’s something we can both agree on.”

“What I’ve always wanted in a relationship is trust, caring, to get on well with my partner and sexual chemistry, as well as shared values and respect. We have all those now. Love and a long-term commitment are things I would want too, and I think we have the potential for those. You are not who I expected to have this relationship with, but it doesn’t mean it won’t work if we both want it. I want to try. What do you want?”

Rafael was silent as he thought about what Sonny had said. Part of him was hurt and wanted to lash out at Sonny and hurt him too, but he knew this was his one chance to work things out with Sonny.

“You know that’s the first time you’ve asked me what I want,” he said softly.

“Sorry,” Sonny said. Rafael could see he meant it.

“If you’re sure, then I’m willing to try too,” Rafael said.

Sonny smiled. “Good. Now how about you remind me what’s so good about sharing a shower with someone else?”

Rafael grinned. “You mean other than saving water?”

“Yeah,” Sonny said suggestively, stepping forward and leaning in to kiss Rafael.


	12. Acceptance

Their shared shower had mended some of the hurt feelings, Sonny decided later that day as he did his laundry at home. It hadn’t led to anything sexual - neither of them was young enough to respond so quickly, but it was the first time he had touched Rafael’s body without sex as the goal. He had found he had enjoyed it, and had no trouble being close to him without being aroused. Then they had eaten breakfast before going their separate ways for the day.

By the time Sonny left, he was feeling happier about where they were and what they wanted, and could see the hurt had faded from Rafael’s eyes, although there was still a wariness there.

He spoke at length with his therapist about the issue that week at his appointment, and Dr Clarke had said that he would need to prove he was willing to give a relationship a chance between them; that saying the words wasn’t enough, but his actions needed to speak for him.

He tried to do that over the next few weeks, and they spent more time together. Their Saturday nights continued, with them always now spending the night together, but they weren’t making much progress. Rafael was still looking wary of Sonny, and he found he still wasn’t completely comfortable being seen out as a couple. It felt like they had taken two steps forward and then stopped. Sonny knew it was his fault but seemed powerless to improve things.

Then he got a family summons. His sister had gotten engaged to her soulmate, and there was going to be a family and friends party that weekend on Staten Island to celebrate. He was expected to make an appearance and when he spoke to his mom, she suggested he bring someone with him. Up to this point he hadn’t really discussed his relationship with Rafael with his family, but he decided it was time, and this may improve things between them.

He spoke to Rafael the following morning when they met for coffee before work, and invited him to come to Staten Island with him. Rafael gave the predictable derogatory comment about the place, which Sonny rolled his eyes to, but then checked in with Sonny.

“You sure you want me there?”

“Yes. I wouldn’t have asked you to come otherwise.”

“Am I there as your friend, or work colleague, or...” he didn’t finish the sentence.

Sonny smiled. “You’re coming as my date and my soulmate.”

Rafael brightened visibly. “Okay then, I’d love to come.”

***

The day was clear and bright when Sonny met up with Rafael for the trip to Statin Island. They got there just as the celebration was getting in full swing. They were welcomed with warm hugs and had beers pressed into their hands very quickly after arriving. Rafael made a face, but drank the bottle he was given, and then switched to wine when he spotted an open bottle in the kitchen.

He was introduced as Sonny’s soulmate by him to a myriad of family members, all of whom were welcoming. Sonny’s parents had given him long hugs and thanked him for saving their son’s life which brought a lump to Rafael’s throat.

Now he was enjoying people-watching, as over the years he had heard quite a bit about Sonny’s family, and of course had met Bella and Tommy before when he had prosecuted Tommy’s case. There seemed to be a never-ending parade of friends of the family appearing too, to congratulate the happy couple and help themselves to food from the sumptuous buffet that had been laid out. Rafael had been nibbling from it all afternoon. No-one outside the family had asked him about his relationship with Sonny, which suited him fine. He was just happy to meet the family and them all know who he was. He knew Sonny struggled admitting their relationship in public, and although this made him worry about the potential for a future between them, he told himself that the younger man was taking small steps towards a relationship between them, and he needed to be patient.

He spotted one woman approaching Sonny, and he just had a feeling she was going to be trouble. She greeted Sonny with a long hug, not seeming to want to let go, and wouldn’t stop touching him all the time she was speaking to him, with a caress to his arm or a squeeze of his hand. She was standing too close and flirting too much, and Rafael felt his hackles rise up.

“That’s Geraldine,” Bella said quietly in his ear. “She’s been after Sonny for years, and never takes no for an answer. He’s too kind to tell her to get lost and she won’t believe anything else.”

Rafael watched for another minute, seeing Sonny try to step back away from her so she was out of his personal space, but she just kept moved forwards. He could see the start of panic in Sonny’s face as he looked for an escape route.

“I think you’d better intervene,” Bella said, prodding him in the back and taking his glass of wine off him. He glanced at her and saw her flash him a wicked grin, before he set off for his soulmate.

“There you are Sonny: I wondered where you were,” he said as he walked up to Sonny and linked hands with him, facing the other woman.

“I’m Rafael,” he said, putting out his free hand towards Geraldine.

“Sorry, Geraldine Hackney, this is ADA Rafael Barba. Rafael, Geraldine is an old family friend.”

“Not old Sonny, and it’s you and me who are close friends, not so much the rest of the family.”

“Really? I know quite a number of Sonny’s friends and he’s never mentioned you,” Rafael answered sharply.

She laughed. “You can’t know him that well then. We’ve always been close. In fact many of our friends always expected us to end up together.”

Rafael gave her a smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Oh well, some things aren’t meant to be are they. Now he’s taken I suggest you set your sights elsewhere.”

She narrowed her eyes. “I don’t know anything about Sonny being off the market. Last I heard he was young, free and single.”

“Things change, sometimes quickly when people find their soulmate,” Rafael said, and was pleased to see her face fall. 

“Is this true Sonny? Have you found your soulmate?”

Sonny looked at Rafael and smiled. “Yes I have.”

She laughed contemptuously. “You two? Oh that’s hysterical. Good one Sonny, I nearly fell for it, but I know you. You don’t like men that way, and especially not one like him.”

Sonny glared at her, Rafael was pleased to note. “And what’s that supposed to mean?” He said in a quiet voice.

She wasn’t deterred. “Well, he’s short and old and podgy around the middle. Next time you try this, maybe you should pick a more attractive man to pretend with.”

Rafael took a step forward, but Sonny pulled him back, and he took in a calming breath.

“I think it’s time you left, Geraldine. If you’re going to insult my soulmate then you’re not welcome here.”

She laughed again, still not believing him, and Sonny let go of Rafael’s hand and pulled off the wrist braid he had been wearing for so long, turning his wrist over to show his markings to Geraldine. She stared in shock at the clear initials and date inscribed on his wrist, and then at Rafael’s wrist when he took off the leather band he had been wearing to cover up his markings.

“I don’t believe it. You’re not gay, and you wouldn’t do something so disgusting as sex with a man.” she said faintly.

“Get the hell out now and never come back,” Sonny said fiercely, and she took another two steps backwards, before turning and running out of the room.

Bella came up and grinned at them both. “Well that was satisfying,” she said as she handed Rafael his glass back.

Sonny looked grief stricken.

“Shit, I shouldn’t have said that,” he started.

“Oh yes you should. She was insulting both you and Rafael. She has been chasing you for years and you should have gotten rid of her a long time ago. Good riddance.”

She picked up Sonny’s wrist and looked at the markings, reading out the date that had appeared next to their initials a couple of days after they bonded.

“So you completed your bond,” she commented. “Good for you. When I heard you’d got a male soulmate, I was so worried about you, and you seemed so down in the summer when you were here. But it seems things have worked out well for you both. Congratulations.” She gave Sonny and then Rafael a strong hug, before walking back to Tommy.

Rafael took a sip of his drink, watching Sonny’s reaction. He looked embarrassed but took hold of Rafael’s hand again, and held his head high. Rafael felt his heart melt just a little.

By the time all the guests had left and there was only immediate family present, it seemed everyone knew that Sonny and Rafael had completed their soulmate bond. Rafael was treated like one of the family, now they knew that Sonny had accepted their soulmate status and bonded. But unlike Sonny’s sister and her new fiancé, Rafael was conscious that they were not in the same relationship place as they were. It hurt to see David, Theresa’s man gazing adoringly at her, and it made Rafael wish that Sonny would look at him the same way.

*** 

Sonny was sat having a contemplative drink in his bedroom later on. He had helped with cooking earlier, so was excused from clean-up duty. Bella soon interrupted his musings though.

“What’s up? Why are you sitting alone in your room?”

He shrugged. “Just thinking. A lot has happened since I was last here.”

She chuckled. “Yeah. You’ve bonded with your soulmate for one. It’s great to see you in a relationship with him and happy.”

“We’re not really,” he said, feeling uncomfortable. “It’s not like Theresa and David. We’re trying to get an actual relationship working between us, but it’s not easy. We’re together because we have to be, not because we chose to be.”

“Neither did they really. They were both born with soulmate initials, so knew they were soulmates as soon as they met. It’s the same as you really, except you only found out the initials of your soulmate last year.”

Sonny shook his head. “No, they were fated to be together. Rafael and I are soulmates because of the shooting. We’re not meant to be together.”

Bella laughed. “I know you’re more religious than me, but even I believe that God fated you to be together. Otherwise you wouldn’t have become soulmates. The chances weren’t that high that you would, even with the blood transfusion. I think you should have faith that you are meant to be together.”

Sonny looked at her, surprised. “I didn’t think of it that way.”

“If you had met a woman and fallen in love, would you have refused a relationship because you didn’t have her initials on your wrist? No you wouldn’t. So why is this different? Everyone’s fate isn’t determined before they are born.”

Sonny sighed. “Rafael and I aren’t in love.”

She laughed hard at that and he glared at her.

“Really? The way you defended Rafael against Geraldine says you care a lot about him. You only get angry like that when someone you love is attacked. And we can all see the way he looks at you. It’s the same way David looks at Theresa.”

He shook his head. “No, you’re wrong. You’ve got to be.” He could feel himself getting anxious with this conversation. He was trying with Rafael and they were seeing more of each other, but he wasn’t ready to think of it as a love relationship yet.

“Why? Because he’s a man and you can’t be in love with a man?”

“I’m not gay.”

She suddenly stilled, and he could hear worry in her voice when she next spoke.

“Is it the sex that’s a problem between you? I know you’ve completed your bond but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. I can understand if you don’t want a sexual relationship with him if you don’t like that.”

Sonny got up and stood facing the window, not wanting to meet her eyes.

“No it’s not that. To be honest the sex has been great. It’s different, and I’m not altogether comfortable with everything, but he’s not pressuring me to do anything I don’t want to do. That’s not the problem.”

“So what is?”

“I suppose it’s just not the way I see myself and it’s not as if I can have a family with him. Plus I always care too much about what other people think. There are plenty of people like Geraldine around.”

“But when it’s just you and Rafael, are you happy? Does he treat you well and do you trust him? Do you want to spend time with him?”

Sonny turned around and smiled. “Yes.”

“So just be happy and stop being an ass. You know you will be with Rafael forever so the more you can accept that and shape your future the way you both want it, the happier you will be. Stop thinking about all the things you lost when you became soulmates with Rafael and figure out what you want in your future and plan for how to get that. You want a family? Have you discussed it with him? You know there are ways you can still have one.”

Sonny nodded. “I know. I’m not sure he wants that, but we haven’t talked about anything long term. Mostly up to now I’ve just been getting used to the idea of being soulmates with him, doing the minimum to stop adverse effects. I have only recently started to think about turning it into a real relationship..”

“I think you should. He’s a great guy Sonny, and he obviously cares a lot about you. Give him a chance; give you both a chance to be happy together.”

He moved forward and give her a big hug. “Thanks sis. I’ll think about it.”

***

Sonny did think about it, and watched Rafael. He saw him laughing and chatting away with his family, and tried to analyze his feelings. He did care for Rafael although he wouldn’t say it was love. Despite his decision to give them a real chance a couple of weeks ago, he was still hesitating to really commit to doing it. As it was, he was short-changing both of them. He resolved to do better.

On their way back to Manhattan that evening, Sonny took Rafael’s hand in his own and looked at the initials and date on the inside of his wrist. Sonny had up to now been reluctant to admit to bonding with Rafael, but he now saw that as another example of him not committing to a relationship. Neither of them had put back the bands since removing them earlier and he decided he didn’t want to. No more hiding.

Rafael looked at Sonny quizzically. “I can put the band back on if you want me to.” 

He shook his head. “Not if you don’t want to. I think I’ll leave mine off now.”

“I thought you didn’t want people to see it,” Rafael commented.

“It’s not as if people don’t already know we are soulmates. The people who know us do.”

“But they don’t know we bonded. If they see it they will know.”

“I know. I don’t have a problem with that,” he said in a quiet voice.

They got back into Rafael’s apartment before saying any more, and were both sat on the couch with a drink in their hand before Sonny broached the subject again.

“Bella talked to me tonight and pointed out I was being an ass, and not giving our relationship a Real chance. She’s right. I want to change that. Ideally, what would you want from our it?”

Rafael took a sip from his drink before answering.

“I want what most people want from a relationship; love, commitment, sharing our lives together and a great sex life. But I understand that may not be possible with you.”

“But it should be. Just because a relationship with you, with any man, is not what I expected, doesn’t mean I should short-change us both. I want the same things as you. So I want to really try it, and see how it goes.”

Rafael grinned, and Sonny could see happiness shining from his eyes. “Really? That’s great.” He leaned in and kissed Sonny softly. “So what plans do you have for tomorrow?”

Sonny kissed him again, letting their lips linger together for a few seconds before answering. “Well, I thought a lie in, followed by sex, and then sharing a shower with my soulmate would be an enjoyable start to the day. Then maybe lunch out. I’ll let you plan the rest of our day.”

“That sounds perfect to me,” Rafael said softly, before kissing Sonny again, and letting his feelings show. Sonny felt not only lust, but love in the kiss, and knew he was making the right decision.


	13. Epilogue - 6 months later

Sonny finished unpacking the final box and flattened it, putting it with the others to be disposed of.

“That’s it; finally all unpacked,” he said, rolling his shoulders back to get rid of the tension in them and moving to give Rafael a kiss. He had given notice on his apartment at the end of the lease, and was now officially living with his soulmate.

“At some point we’re going to need to look for somewhere bigger,” Rafael mused, “as it’s a bit cramped here for the two of us, and if we decide to adopt like we were discussing, we definitely need more space.”

“No rush,” Sonny commented. “Let’s get used to living together first.”

Rafael laughed. “You’ve been here every night for the last couple of months as it is. It’s just now all your junk is here too.”

Sonny mock glared at him. “My junk? You mean my baking trays and dishes.”

“No actually I meant all your baseball stuff. I have no problem with anything that means I keep eating well. It’s not as if the kitchen cabinets were being used. My wardrobe space however...”

“You’ve still got twice as much space as me, and you can’t tell me you need all those suits. Some of them don’t fit you anyway, as you like my food so much.” He suited this comment to pinching Rafael’s belly, which had filled out more since he had been eating Sonny’s cooking full-time.

Rafael brushed his hand away, and self-consciously pulled his stomach in. Sonny just pulled him in further and kissed him lingeringly.

“Now we’ve finished unpacking, how about a break?” Sonny said with a wink and a grin.

Rafael grinned. “Great idea.” He set off towards their bedroom pulling his top off, and Sonny wrapped his arms around him and kissed his shoulder, wrapping his arms around him to his belt and undoing it and the jeans the older man was wearing. He ran his fingers over the hard cock and pushed the jeans down, before sinking to his knees to remove the clothing fully. He moved round to Rafael’s front and tipped his head back, making eye contact briefly before looking at the cock in front of him and sucking it into his mouth.

Rafael groaned and Sonny grinned, tightening his arms around his hips as he felt Rafael’s knees wobble. It was such a turn-on and a feeling of power to see the reaction Rafael had to him doing this. He loved it.

“Don’t you think you are wearing too many clothes?” Rafael asked breathlessly, and Sonny took one last suck before pulling off and standing up.

“Easily fixed,” he said with a smile, pulling off his T-shirt while Rafael attacked the fastenings of his jeans.

Soon they were naked on the bed, and both panting hard as they thrust against each other. Sonny pulled away though, and grabbed the well-used tube of lube from the nightstand, passing it to Rafael. They had been experimenting in the last month or so and Sonny was now used to having a finger stimulating his prostate, although they had never gone further than a couple of fingers. He decided now was the time.

“I want you to make love to me,” he whispered in Rafael’s ear, and felt the older man stiffen up immediately. He pulled back to see the shock in his lover’s eyes.

“It’s time. I want to try it. See if I like it as much as you do,” he said.

“You sure?” Rafael checked. Sonny grinned and nodded.

He lay down on the bed and crooked one knee so his entrance was accessible, and Rafael opened the lube and slicked up a couple of fingers before reaching down. Sonny felt the light stroking over his entrance which increased his arousal, and leaned forward to kiss Rafael.

He breathed out and consciously relaxed as he felt Rafael push one finger inside him, and gasped as he felt the tip of the finger brush his prostate. He had been shocked the first time he felt the wave of pleasure from having this small gland touched, and had been much keener on anal play ever since. Rafael had never pressured him into trying more though, letting Sonny set the pace.

A second finger hovered outside, and Sonny nodded to Rafael. “Do it,” he said.

He relaxed again as he felt the second finger enter him. He concentrated on kissing Rafael, enjoying the sensations coursing through him. This was great.

The third finger took longer to get comfortable with, but it wasn’t painful.

Rafael pulled out of the kiss and looked seriously at Sonny. “Do you still want to do this?” He asked softly.

Sonny smiled. “Yes. Come on, get on with it.”

Rafael rolled his eyes and pulled his hand back, spreading lube on his cock before moving position. He lay down on the bed and pulled Sonny on top of him. “Like this. That way you can control it.”

“You just want to have a rest and not move, letting me do all the work,” he joked. Rafael grinned, and held his cock to Sonny’s entrance and put the other hand on his hip.

“Whenever you’re ready.”

Sonny took in a deep breath and then exhaled slowly as he let his body descend to meet Rafael’s. He felt the pressure as the head entered him, and stopped briefly, before continuing until he was fully down. He breathed deeply and got used to the feeling of fullness inside of him.

He looked at Rafael, seeing the arousal on his face, and then slowly rotated his hips, watching his lover’s mouth drop open in a gasp. He grinned.

Rafael’s hips ground slowly upwards, and Sonny moved his hips to match them, feeling the slow slide of the cock out and then in, and suddenly he felt the jolt of pleasure as it brushed against his prostate.

“Oh God, there,” he said, and closed his eyes briefly in pleasure, before opening them again to gaze at Rafael.

He increased the pace and length of his thrusts as he became more confident, and soon Sonny was speeding towards orgasm with the twin sensations of his prostate being pounded from inside and Rafael jerking him off with one hand. He took two last thrusts before crying out as he hit his peak, seeing the spurts of his release paint Rafael’s chest and abdomen.

Rafael thrust upwards once more and stilled as he came himself, and Sonny felt his arms and legs trembling in reaction. He pulled himself off Rafael and slumped to the bed beside him, still trying to catch his breath.

Rafael rolled onto his side to face Sonny, who turned his head to face his lover.

“Wow,” was all he could get out.

Rafael laughed. “I assume you enjoyed it then,” he teased.

Sonny rolled his eyes. “Okay, so now I can see why you like it. We’ll be doing that again,” he said.

“Just wait until you decide to get up, and sit down. You might be uncomfortable for a bit,” he cautioned. “But that wears off when you get used to it.”

“Good. I look forward to that,” Sonny said.

He turned serious as he gazed at Rafael, reading the happiness and affection in his eyes.

“I love you, Rafael,” he said, watching the spark that appeared in his beautiful green eyes.

“I love you too, Sonny,” Rafael replied, sounding a bit choked up. “I have done for a while.”

“I know,” Sonny said, moving forward to wrap his arms around his soulmate. “I have too, I just needed time. Thank you for being patient with me and letting me get here at my own pace.”

“You’re welcome. We’ve got plenty of time - the rest of our lives together.”

“Yes, we have,” Sonny said, and knew it was true. It might have taken him a long time to get here but he was now confident they would be together the rest of their lives in the relationship they both now wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to all of you who have commented, given feedback and kudos. It encourages me to share more, and I've got a few more unpublished fics that I promise I will upload soon. xx


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